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April 13, 2006

YEAH, IM WEIRD!... SO???






Found the very first post on one of my old lost blogs :)
it went sumthin like this...


***Who am i trying to run away from?....
The ppl who eventually realised who the real me is?...
Those pesky friends of mine who found their own way to my blog?
The ppl i thot i could trust and shamelessly disclosed my identity?...;)
I thought i dint care ...wht the heck!...neways the ppl who eventually realised who the real me is shud accept me as i am...
The pesky frenz who got their way thru my blog hav a rite to know wht i really feel
And the ppl i thought i trusted enuf to let know my real feelings....wht the f***k...dont i still trust them...?...:)
THEN WHY?...WHY AM I CREATING ANOTHER BLOG....???

Well i guess i can never be the "real me"...knowin tht the worlds gonna read my feelings, my emotions, my rantings...etc etc...
Be it be from family or frenz....i guess i need my own space...
Space to let go of my emotions...
Space to crib bout the uncertainities of life...n sometimes the certainities..;)
Space to type my innumerable rantings...
Space to disclose my myriad dreams and fantasies...
N most of all space to breathe...space to live...space to create a small lil world of my own..(so wht if its a blog world);)
Maybe eventually therell be ppl wholl find out its "ME" again
maybe those pesky frenz will find their way here again...
or maybe juss maybe Ill trust someone 2 let thm know ....

N THEN MAYBE...ill juss move on and create yet another blog....;)...(muhahaha****


And juss yesterday ,another very good friend of mine accuses me of not trustin enough...
and tht set me wonderin...
i havent changed much eh??
im still the same ...almost the same...sigh!!!
Maybe one day "nostalgic moments" will be gone too....*i hate to think tht way*.
but thn hasent tht been "typically pri" all this while...
whr hav all my prev blogs dissapeared...why hav they been shut down...???
why this post thn...n why do i feel very much the same way sometimes even today??...
who am i runnin from???
wht am i runnin from???
am i even running or juss makin a futile effort??
why this secrecy...this anonymity...whn i myself cannot comprehend it sometimes??
thrs no reason to be this way...yet why do i continue doin so??
am i crazy...insane...paranoid...or juss a lil extra cautious???
and if i am, thn wht is the extra caution for...why this blog? why "nostalgic moments".? why this sharing of ideas, of views??...
So much as i hav never really said it, i am in love wth "nostalgic moments" and all u ppl who frequent it...who dosent like being pampered??who dosent love being cared for??
but thn why am i afraid of losing it someday???...
i came across a beautiful line somewhr ---as we grow up , we lose ourselves as a person...very true!!
hav i lost the ability to trust, the confidence tht life can be beautiful...tht ppl can actually be sweet whn they seem to be...tht someone can genuinely be concerned or care ???...its sad ...but i think i hav :( and wht ive got in return is this crazy attitude ...this constant urge to remind myself tht ppl are juss fakin it whn they say or act tht they care...this feelin of takin 5 steps behind whn i feel the slightest clue of goin 2 steps towards someone...sigh!! will tht ever change...as much as i hate it, i feel a strange sense of security because of it...its bizarre i know...but i guess ive accepted it as a part of me...n sometimes i do feel sad bout it...not sad for the othrs (as my friends believe sometimes) but sad for me...its like hatin sumthin u know ull never part wth ...funny...eh??
Im not even the types who like to keep ppl guessing....though it may feel tht way at times....but believe me thts only cos i dont hav ne othr explanation for my weird behaviour...it confuses me as much as it does ull :(...
nor am i one of those ppl who hav those dark secrets or a extraordinary life wch they dont want othrs to find out about...thn why? why? why?...
i hate it MOST whn i confuse myself...!!! :(

n yet thrs no real want to change,
no real inclination to act othrwise...

bottomline: I GUESS PRI IS WEIRD...
(n she see's no desire or inclination of changing or improving...so il'l juss keep my fingers crossed and maybe an inkling of hope tht the world will change for pri...accept her for wht she is...if not!! god save the world and her :)
each as they go different ways...)

god bless and take care!
*smiles*

April 08, 2006

IN A NOSTALGIC TRANCE

Was listenin to one of my favs tracks....from the movie "lamhe"
goes like this...

yeh lamhe , yeh pal hum,
barson yaad karenge...
yeh mausam chala gaya toh,
hum fariyaad karenge ...:)

brought back a lot of memories and made me rummage through my closet to find this piece i'd written quite some time back...(yeah yeah, i know...some ppl hav weirdplaces assigned to store away their creativity...open my closet n ull find scraps of paper wth my most personal compositions written...strwen about amidst the mess of clothes )
yeah its true...times change, ppl change, situations change..but memories never...!!! :)




MEMORIES...


Memories of the past so good,
forget them all i wish i could.
True happiness i thot i'd found,
now its only memories to wch im bound.

Nostalgia floods me everyday,
as if to tell me it has sumthin to say.
Each time i feel i shudent hold on any longer,
i feel those memories gettin stronger.

The ghosts of yesteryears refuse to leave,
a web of dreams ive begun to weave,
and though i know it wont do me any good,
leave it all behind me i never really could.

Why am i being haunted this way?,
whn those memories hav nothin to say...
Why am i tempted to live in the past?,
whn i know tht it can never last...:(

The futures yet to see, but the presents mine,
and i hope someday everythin to be fine.
To face todays reality , i must dare,
coz livin in a fantasy is never really fair.

Everytime i try snappin out of the trance,
from reality i turn away my glance.
Every step away from it , i take infront,
my heart cant take it, i can feel the brunt!

My mind can never take my heart as a friend,
its a conflict thtll never end.
Both contradict each other in every say,
but hell! its always me who has to pay...!


memories are somethin forever...n however much you try to break loose from them...u can never succeed....or MAYBE u juss don wanna try hard enough cos u r scared tht u juss might...;)

April 05, 2006

IT DINT MAKE SENSE ...DID IT?

Today mornin saw me wake up in cold sweat!!!
It was around 3.30 am in the mornin (as per by my bedside watch) and i was surprised cos after a long long time i actually could remember wht i'd dreamt about and worse still! it dint make any sense...
Id read somewhere tht a person tends to remember only those dreams wch actually hav some sense associated wth thm...medical jargon speaks bout "REM" n "NON REM" sleep...but i always found the former theory more interesting ..and the philosophical dreamer tht i am crave to find a philosophical aspect to everythin ...i'd like to believe tht even the most bizarre dreams or nighmares ive woken up rememberin make sense...and if they dont , thn i simply dispose thm off sayin tht it was my subconciousmind tht was thinkin bout it sumwhr...:)
But yesterday proved me wrong...
I saw ppl i'd never seen in my life, names i'd never heard...
situations wch were very strange n uncanny...weird things happenin...no sequence at all...
It was funny...i havent seen such chaos in my dreams since a long long time...most of my dreams are very well organised and in sync (lol) unlike real life...
but this was strange, weird, totally ridiculously chaotic...
thr was confusion all around...it was soo bizarre...so messed up...kinda like er uh ..kinda like reality :(
And thn there were some instances i could relate to...but most of thm were irrelevant...more like those "ekta kapoor" soaps...lol!!
But hadent even watched much of tv yest...so thought i could rule out tht possibility...
I dont even know whethr i should call it a "dream" or a "nightmare" cos i cant really say it was good or bad...
it was juss weird...like some confused director directin a movie ...or shud i say "anu malik" tryin to compose a song wth a number of ideas frm various movies n finally comin up wth some disastrous crap like "dekho baarish ho rahi hain...its rainin , its rainin, its raiiinnniiing"...*rolls her eyes*
ok sorry sorry...tht was me digressin again...:p
but whtever, this really set me thinkin whethr wht we see in our dreams reflect the state of mind we are in...hmm thn i can imagine the mess goin about in my head rite now...god!!ive heard such things in movies...something bout ur past life tryin to send u a msg through ur dream...whoaa...im too freaked out rite now to even think bout reincarnation...:P so am juss pushin tht thought away...
Wht do u guys think?...any such experiences?
any such atrocious dreams/nightmares?
anysuch time whn ull woke up in cold sweat juss cos it was farr too confusin n mind bogglin to understand ur mind while asleep??

tell me about it...
want to know im not alone...
want to know im not goin crazy yet...*winks*

April 02, 2006

COULDENT STAY AWAY LONG

Im backkk!!!
Thanks n hugzz to all those who missed me :)
Yeah yeah, i guess ull dint expect me to turn up soo soon...lol...but unpredictable tht i am surprised even myself by not being able to stay away long...
n the main reason im back is ive realised tht ive got to stop searchin for answers...instead pri has decided to let the answers find her...:)
Sometimes the more u try to make sense out of things, the more they muddle u up and all u r left with is confusion...more than u had started out with...
This realisation actually dawned upon me while speakin to a friend ...though (as usual) im sure he dint even realise tht his casual statement could hav a rather strong impact...lol...but thn sometimes the lil things ppl say help u walk through life ...its juss like those small nothins u knowbut still want to hear from the other person...such is the case wth "realisation" too:)
Well in any case..pri is back...n heres a list of things i did in this small break frm blogsville...(though they could hav very well been done wth me being around too...lol..but had to make it sound important...*grin*)
1) finally got done wth a piece of work tht was remainin pendin for the past 3 months...it was a great feelin and not havin it done was buggin me since a long time...did manage to get my di smilin and parents in a good mood by tht n yaa did manage to covince myself tht i wasent 100% of the sadistic rebel tht i thought i was...*grinnin*
2)finally made a "almost serious" start for studin and exam preparations...it was high time i did...plan to keep it up...hope i stick to my plans...*yawn--feelin sleepy already* :p
3)got back in touch with a old friend and managed to clear a misunderstandin wch had led him not to reply to my msg's or offliners for a whole 2 months now...he finally replied ...i was happy...but after hearin him out, did feel horrid about myself for being rude *read as "in a bad mood"*...sigh! (details in anothr post).But am happy tht its atleast sorted out ---(or so i wud like to believe)
4)spoke to juss one person on yahoo messenger endlessly and eventually did manage to irk him soo much tht i dont think the "no reply" i got after my "hi" today was unintentional...heeheee...(im sure he will know who im referrin to---if he is readin this) *giggles*
5)watched a coupla movies wch i'd been wantin to watch since long...
6)had long conversations wth "god" and "me"---n thn finally came up wth some desicions wch im plannin to stick by (so far so good)but still a long way to go *keepin my fingers crossed* :)
7)promised myself a coupla things...*secret* but most of all promised myself a 1 hour counsellin session (by dr pri) everynight before i go off to sleepyland *heehee*...had almost forgotten tht i used to do this a long lomg time back whn i was in school...guess i need to do it again...try itppl!!..it dosent hurt :)n yeah self therapy is the best ...

so thts the story till now...will keep ul'l posted as it goes on...as life goes on...as pri goes on...
till thn,

cheers
*raises a toast* :)

P.S: "nostalgic moments" has got a brandnew email address of its own on gmail *yoohoo*...so feel free to shoot me an email on "nostalgicmoments@gmail.com" anytime ull want...
tk care :)