better! been afebrile for two hours at a stretch now for the first time in 4 days :)
that IS an achievement. n guess how im celebrating??lol!! by being online.
neways off for now.shudent overdo it :)
June 27, 2007
June 18, 2007
Once upon a time, in a far away land thr lived a girl who used to always hate herself for believing the wrong people...she always complained bout takin things farr too seriously sometimes..much seriously than they r supposed to be taken.
thanks to gods grace and some stronger force lookin upon her she managed to realise almost always before things got too hurting.but yes, ALMOST always :)
SHE always liked to believe tht the world is a beautiful place, full of beautiful n honest ppl...ppl who never cheat, lie, betray trust...ppl who stand by wht they say, mean wht they claim and live upto their promises.
But the sadistic bitch tht life was, wanted to teach her a few lessons of its own...wanted to break her illusion in the worst possible manner...and it did!
It had its own ways to do so, ways tht SHE hadent even imagined ...one big blow was all it took for her to shatter and as she realised tht words can lie, ppl can fib, dirty mind games can be played and feelings can be mocked at, she also realised tht the world wasent as beautiful a place as she'd imagined...
so SHE decided to get bakk...she decided to change the world.decided to make it a beautiful place, atleast she could try...try to make it more like the world she had imagined...more like the world she wanted it to be...so she went on being good to ppl, making new friends, spreading smiles and joy all over in her small lil ways...
All she hoped was gettin bout makin ppl around her worthy of being trusted, so tht she could prove life wrong...could prove tht she was right afterall and tht she had won!
It was a tough ordeal and she had to emerge victorious...thts wht she had decided.everytime she felt like quitting , she wud remember how much she had gone through to get over things, to come to terms with reality, to deal with the various shades of human nature she had seen .She knew how tough it is to get beyond all the hurt and everytime she remembered wht she had been through, she used to hate life all the more for makin her realise the harsh wrath of reality...and stronger became her urge to make the world more trustworthy. a small beautiful world of her own whr noone would have the need to fib, noone wud cheat, and noone wud ever make promises wch would be broken...she dreamt of a world where nobody wud lie to anybody .nobody would play with feelings...whr emotions would be true.and those expressed would be the only ones wch were felt.
She realised it wasent possible to change the whole world but she had decided tht she would atleast change HER world...would include only those ppl who were capable of being trustworthy, who could be trusted, who wud never break promises, ...a world of true emotions, sincere feelings and pleaaant memories... a world whr all the bitter experiences could be put aside never to be remembered again.
She now made friends with caution, stayed away frm ppl she dint feel she could trust, tried and tested her friendships and became very selective about ppl and things in her life.
At times she felt all the trouble was futile and tht she should give up cos no matter wht, she couldent change ppl...and it wss too difficult to search for "genuine" emotions amidst a crowd of lies, fibs, false hopes and feelings...but yet she went on...somethin in her told her it was worth the effort .atleast she wouldent feel cheated again...she would know the right frm the wrong...she went on makin friends, knowing ppl, tryin to understand thm and as she extended a hand of friendship with everyone she met, she knew exactly whom to stay a safe distance frm..
But something was changing...wht was?? she wondered..she couldent understand...
as the days went by the search went on...new members were added to her small lil world .her true world of "genuine" ppl...others were strictly kept away, though not many could realise wch side of the door they were .SHE was smart enough never to let thm know...only she knew...but something was changing.wht was???...she kept confirming...by now her world was full of tried n tested friendships, true emotions, ppl who loved her, cared for her and would never give up on her...but something had changed!...
She wasent convinced...she kept doubting their intentions.their feelings...in her search for "genuine emotions" she had lost out on trust...soon she realised tht she couldent trust anyone nemore...not even the genuine ppl in her beautiful world..not even the ppl who claimed to care , to love her , the friends whom she had tried and tested, the ones who had stood up for her whtsoever...the ones who would never want to see her sad.and even the ones who had turned their back on the whole wide world to enter this small lil "genuine" world SHE had created...
She wept as she realised life had played yet anothr dirty trick on her...in her quest for genuine feelings, she had lost herself as a person...she had lost the ability to trust ppl..she had CHANGED!...she was afraid of promises, she couldent believe words anymore..everythin seemed fake-even in her "genuine" world wch she was soo proud of...she realised tht one blow frm life was all it took n though she thot she had survived it all, the aftereffects were showin up now...
She cried silently as she realised how hurt the ppl who really cared felt at this...she wanted to believe they cared but somewhr thr was a lurking doubt questioning the sincerity of their feelings...and SHE thought it juss wasent fair to carry furher with stupid doubts tagging along whrever she went...
somewhere down the line, she got hurt and now she realised tht every feeling expressed to her after tht would have to pay the price!
She smiled to herself as she remembered how she wanted life to change the world around her...how she hoped ppl could be more trustworthy
well life did change something---it changed HER!!!