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September 02, 2007

LIFE---a journey...


Something happened today wch made me think a lot...bout the kind of person i actually am...bout the kind of person i was to start with ...and bout the kinda person ive changed into...
Was going through an old blog of mine only to realise how much ive changed and i dont necessarily mean only in a good way.
We all grow up and somewhr down the line, we all tend to miss what we used to be.Once naive enough to see the world through rose coloured glasses,life teaches us to harden ourselves by introducing us to the harsh wrath of reality...and more so at times we least expect it to...and thn we r shocked to have those rosecoloured glasses snatched away from us...but thn again thts how we learn...and since we cant do anythin about life, we decide to do something about ourselves.
While i hear some ppl crib to me tht i have changed so much, thr are still others in my life who keep frustratingly complaining tht il'l never change...
and tht makes me wonder why do ppl around want me to be the way they expect me to be..
Its easy to say "i dont expect"..whn the truth is its all about expectations...whr there is love, thr are expectations and when someone expects somethin from us, it juss means they care...care a lot...and tht is wht intimidates me at times.
It also scares me sometimes whn i dont expect likewise cos it keeps making me feel either i dont care as much or have attained "moksha"...and i know tht "salvation" is something far far away...cos im only human.
Perhaps ive juss learnt to lower my expectations only because im afraid they wont be met wch is also stupid cos thn i dont put my best in it and tht leaves me feeling i dont want it cos i dont care enough...guess im juss too messed up!and believe me i wasent always this way!
I remember wanting to get more "real" some yrs backk ...wanting to get out of my dream world.feelin dissatisfied cos used to think it was juvenile of me to not face life in a practical way..but dint realise tht probably i was trying too hard ...so hard tht life decided to give it a shot...n now im at a stage whr i find myself soo "real" tht i would give anythin to dream tht innocent way i used to...but know tht probably its impossible!
Probably have juss lost out on the capacity to dream and cant expect life to give it a shot ur way all the time isnt it? :).And wasent tht wht i always wanted??...its true they say "uve got to be careful of wht u wish for--it mite juss come true!" :)
Ive changed for sure---for the better or for the worse i dunno and ppl juss wont answer tht for me!the transition has not been easy and now tht im there, feel kinda secure about it...and tht gets me wonderin again---will i be ever able to live up to this???
A loyal friend, a trusted advisor,a personal councellor, a silent listener, a chirpy voice, a confident doctor, a understanding sister, a obedient daughter, a happy face----so many expectations!...and the guilt of not havin lived upto them , and the fear of not being able to...

Sometimes i wonder if amidst all this guilt and fear, ive forgotten to be "me"...

11 comments:

Keshi said...

o Pri GREAT post! I agree with u 100%.

**Its easy to say "i dont expect"..whn the truth is its all about expectations

SPOT ON! ppl say 'I dun expect anything anymore' when in real even that is an expectation!

as long as we r alive, we EXPECT. we cant avoid/deny that!


Keshi.

Sam said...

like wow.. this is an awesome deep thinking post... i hope i didn't send ou spiralling on this thgt process... but den pri, it's expectation which define us... which make us do things... tell me, when u type on your keyboard you doe xpect the words to appear on the screen in front of you, don't you? in the same manner, we always expect something to happen out of our actions.. no matter wot we do!! and chk out your thgts.. you too expect soemthing.. like hopefully ppl wud understand your thgts.... someday, and teh likes... and dats wer i say.. we all expect good or bad.. but we do!! dats why we are living... even in moksha you expect.... you expect to attain a higher level.. more detachment!! fud for thgt?

Blog Boy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Blog Boy said...

Pri,

"Change is the only constant in life!!"
All people change over a period of time due to "SCC" which is surroundings, circumstances and conditions.

expectations starts from birth by us or by other people.( When a baby bourn every one expects him to cry right? :-)...

Nice post which made me stop over and think someime for my self and most importantly apart from work....
TC!!!

Pri said...

@ keshi
u r right keshi...and i guess "expectations" are very necessary sometimes ...atleast they help us know we are alive :),whn everythin else fails to...

@ sam
well put sumit...does set me thinkin...maybe thtll soon inspire another post :).lol!!

@ blog boy
guess we all need to sit and ponder over things sometimes...helps to see life in its own perspective :).
but dunno it sure is quite frustrating and heartwrenching at times.
neways tk care!:)

Kevin Patel said...

Life is like that! Nice Post...U cant satisfy everyone around you....one should try to live the life the way he/she wants to....."Easier said than done" but we should all try!

kook said...

Yes I believe you have forgotten to be yourself. I have been through this thought process myself and nice to see somebody lay it out on paper.

Expectations will always be there and if we worry too much about them people who expect tend to push us around.Then we want to move into our own personal space.

No matter what people expect,
what is that I want to do should be the first priority. Of course we are going to have many enemies and people think we are cold blooded but you know what: when I die I am going to answer myself and what I did is my mess..no body pushed me around and that will help me die peacefully!

That's all there is to it, I think.

Pri said...

@ kevin patel
i guess ur right kevin...:)

@ kook
i agree kook..but sometimes cant help wonderin "is tht really all there is to it?"
No matter wht we do, and no matter how much ppl care
at the end we are answerable only to our own selves.
but sometimes having no answer is what i fear..

tk care!

kook said...

What is Care..define Care? To me, care is an action that is an outcome of agreement (keyword: conform) between two people. As long as there's conformance one can relate to the other and can feel the pain the other feels but once you do not conform care is gone.
It's the quality of a social creature to conform and to co-exist. What a waste of life though. It's like running opposite to the movement of an escalator - you're still there but you're not getting anywhere!
I do not understand what you mean by "no answer" at the end. Having read your articles I know you muse and not intentionally try to be poetic.So explain me: Do you mean to say we act without a reason? The reason may have a quality (good or bad depending on your social context)..but it's there!
Please don't think I am preaching you. When I am telling you something, I am telling it to myself. It'd be unfortunate to lose someone like you to talk to and to introspect because....we conform!!

kook said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pri said...

@ kook
this word "care" has always left me confused...and i guess its too hard to limit it to the bounds of a single definition...its meaning can vary right from a lucid intention like conern to a profound emotion like love or might juss waver at empathy...im often scared to use this word and also kinda wary of ppl using it too often.:)
coming to ur "actions with a reason", this isnt always the case is it?
sometimes we do not have any explanations for things we do...sometimes we juss do things on maybe impulse or maybe because we juss feel so...i agree maybe here too thrs a hidden reason wch we r unaware of or maybe dont want to be aware of at times...but thn have u ever done something and later on felt helpless about it? wht wud u say th? wht bout the regrets one has?? r they actions done in perfect reasoning too??
a harsh word, an unintentional hurt,misunderstandings wch u found were too much to clear---do all these have reasons to thm too??

PS: sorry for replying late...frm now on will watch this space for ur comments more often :)