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October 27, 2007

Finished reading Khaled Hosseini's "the kite runner"...its a beautiful book...
spent all of last night reading it and to my surprise juss couldent stop the tears streaming from my eyes...i dont even know whether it was only something about the book ...i mean agreed tht its a very emotional and touching read but then again im not a very emotional person and it really takes a lot for me to cry...
I cry only when it hurts real bad...only when something really pulls at my heart strings and refuses to let go cutting through it deeper and deeper...and thats the reason i cry uncontrollably going out of breath whenever tht happens, often scaring my family by not being able to stop even when i want to...(one thing wch has always managed to scare my mom and believe me it has never been deliberate...she got convinced i dont know how to cry when i almost stopped breathing one sucha dreadful episode (a long time back) between angry sobs becoming as pale as a ghost and tried as much,even both my mom and me couldent get myself together and it was almost declared a medical emergency) ...Much to my moms irritation,i often joke that tht my control system dosent have any "tuning buttons" and hence can blow off the whole machine if turned the wrong way.lol!! I even tried to blackmail her a coupla times after tht episode back then but my mom seems to be the smartest mom around and i guess its not easy to fake something like tht when u havent got a single tear in those mischievous eyes...:-/ and frankly speaking, i myself was too afraid to ever experience tht kinda episode again...besides the fact tht i can never fake a crying scene thanks to wch i was never able to participate in "romantic tragedies" staged during my school years...hmpf!!
Im the kind who has seen a lot happening around me...and have personally been through a lot too wch has kinda made me a strong person or so i'd like to believe...
Not really believing every word u say, not convinced by what she hears and sometimes surprising u by reading what u dont want her to read, there are many who have accused me of misunderstanding them and an equal many who would like to stay a safe distance juss because they fear me understanding them too well...
Like most people ive learnt it the hard way and it has lead to my share of losses too...but at the end of it all, i guess ive emerged as a stronger person and now i wouldent trade it for anything in the world...
People have also accused me of harbouring trust issues which are only evident when one gets to know me rather well...but then cliched as it may sound, i sincerely feel, not being able to trust someone is far far better than having it broken by someone u trusted so much...some might just call me unfortunate and a few close friends have almost gone on the verge of frustration convincing me to snap out of what they feel is this so called "sad" attitude ive adopted...but i believe at the end of the day, its u who matter...and if ur happy living like this then go ahead...
i think im rather happy...
But then no matter how strong i might sound ,i sometimes doubt if there is still some soft spot in tht small lil heart of mine which isnt as frozen as the rest of it...and it scares me that at times a small flickering candle might be enough to melt it...
Memories from the past, back stabs from friends, misunderstandings i know wch will never clear, some words never spoken do fill my heart with regret ...but i dont remember them bringing tears in these empty lookin eyes unless it has hurt me from deep within and i can no longer bear it...
Once upon a time pri was the kind of person who would weep her heart out during "yash johar" flicks or even favourite songs,have tears in her eyes while listenin to someones problems and failed relationships,think till her head hurted about ruined friendships and backstabs from trusted ones...
But dunno how and when...something changed...now she is someone who juss feels a little regret at broken friendships and then decides tht it was never strong enough to last,someone who has learnt to laugh at the corny acting and cliched dialogues in those "ohh soo romantic" kjo movies,who listens to all her friends "i dont know if he/she really cares" woes and wails often trying to help by being their agony aunt and personal shrink till 5 minutes later she gets kicked off from tht position (hmpf!!) because "she will never understand" *rolls her eyes*,who kinda isnt surprised when a so called "close one" stabs her , who has mastered the art of pulling the knife out of her...bandaging the wound herself...wearing her overcoat and walking out, a lil wiser each time...
and then there are times like last night, when she continues to read with misty eyes doubting whether there really has been a transformation???...
and she curses "tht small lil corner" which is still not frozen yet... afterall..

25 comments:

An ILLuS|On said...

Keep it alive coz you might need it on many occasions..i am serious..it isn't that great to be emotionally dead!
I am glad you've realized & learnt a lot from the lean patches of your life but trust me that lil corner is worth kept alive!

sam said...

am glad it still is not frozen.. adn from wot i have sen dats quite a lot.. trust me!!
it's good to learn from the past... but realy bad to freeze up.. dats something everyone does... so wots different abt u den??
zilch!! stand up be different eb brave enuf to feel the hurt, pain and joy everytime!!
dats my funda.. wanna play?

Compassion Unlimitted said...

first learn to smile at it and then laugh at it..let it be there..have confidence in yourself..have a great life ahead..past is always past
tc
cu

anuj said...

I got tht book long bck .. read like 40 pages .. n its hanging arnd in a frndz room now .. I guess I need to finish it ..

abt being strong .. I too feel that I have turned in to some heart-hearted being which was nt normal me, initially. But thn shit happens.

But its nt bad having that soft corner .. seriously .. its rather gud .. crying is nt bad is it? .. nt frm d medical perspectives too .. hehe .. :D

so I wud say .. 'be wht u r pri' ;)
dnt b harder atleast .. lol :D

else who knws u might start wackin evry blogger comin ur way .. hehehe .. Do I see black eyes all arnd?

cheers

annie said...

:)

Thnx for sharin...will get hold of the book now!

c e e d y said...

Hey did that choking episode make you a doc!!!!
As I beleive even in my worst times....that love within oneself never dies, the heart does not discriminate - it is the mind and its perception. The recepients change sometimes.
About stabbing the one who loves you a lot - there are times when you are left with no choice but to simply leave them - their happiness lies when you are not around......

AlOhOmOrA said...

yea.....quite true....once some1 hurts ur emotions u feel u shudnt have ne..u try to b as cold hearted as u can b...mayb outa a fear tat u might get hurt agn....but tats not how v are made rite!!!we hav emotions even if v don want em.....nice post...cheers

Ps said...

Hey I too LOVED that book and recommended it to a close friend just yesterday.Hosseini is an amazing story teller.I read his second book too.(a splendid thousand suns) I liked that too.

Ps said...

And I am glad that little corner isnt frozen.Sometimes you need tears or something like them!

Tejas said...

Awesome book, eh? I loved the kid in that.

Sometimes, it is important to let our emotions take control of us rather than we doing it.

Pri said...

@ illusion
hmm u r right illusion...but then sometimes cant help but feel tht being emotionally dead makes u far less vulerable to hurt dosent it??
and then again, its often not what we choose but what is chsen for us ...by probably what they call "FATE"!:)

@ sam
well what i want is to be brave enough to feel the hurt, the pain and then juss forget all about it and move on...
but thts rather difficult isnt it?almost impossible...
n thts when u feel being "emotionally numb" would help...:)

@ compassion unlimited
well yess compassion ur right...ive learnt tht the only person who can make u a stroger person is "urself"...:)
thanks for the wishes...

@ anuj
lol!! anuj! very funny...but yess what u said is true...but thn maybe i was someone ultra emotional earlier and now im juss normal! ..hahaha
neways ur advice was much appreciated..thaks!:)

@ annie
yeah annie...u should read it...wonderful book!:)

@ ceedy
well ceedy...tht choking episode happ long after i joined med school...well tht rarely happens n the onyl plausible reason for tht i dont cry tht often and when i do,it hurts so much tht i kinda find it very difficult to snap out of it, often unplesantly surprising everyoe...lol..dunno if tht was the reason for me being a doc but yaa tht sure made me a stronger person who is juss a lot more afraid to cry...lol!!
and about the stabbig bit---do u really think leaving ppl who love us a lot would really make them "happy"...well i dont quite agree...cos we often think "its all for the better" only as a means of selfconsolation...
but then again...i dunno! guess life is much more complicated than tht...:)

@ alohomora
yes dear...i think ur right...and especially whn we try too hard to remain detached, thts when life strives to prove us wrong...:)
it (life) has got a sick sense of humour neways ...lol

@ ps
yess ps ...its a wonderful book...ive got a "thousand spledid suns" next in line...juss finishing with "the witch of portobello" right now...:)

@ tejas
yess...me too...
n heyy i dunno if its important...but at times cant help feeling it sure is inevitable...:)
take care!

Blog Boy said...

Yes, magic moments leave us with so many memories......
Truely...past will always be past...Look ahead in the future..life is in fututre and not in past.

Abhishek Khanna said...

i got it long ago.. but yet to read it.. tch tch.. so lazy i am

Keshi said...

Pri Im so different now...experiences hv made me stronger yet weaker...I cant explain it :(

Keshi.

phoenix said...

once i read the last word of this post i wanted to yell..hey!thats me u r talking about!we are both so simliar when it comes to our various experiences and our reactions to it...

i am not one to cry at all..i cry when something really affects me and that too being ashamed to show my tears i cry in the dead of the night so that darkness masquerades my tears into its dark cloak and my sobs are easily muted with the softness of the pillow which becomes soggy by the first fingers of dawn.

we all have one small little corner in us that never gets frozen no matter what...and that makes us feel and perceive things...

*HUGSSSS*

Cosmic Joy said...

You !!! Yes, I am talking to you .. the one who has stolen Pri's blogger account and is posting all kinds of un-Pri stuff out here .. you better stop !! You will be in big trouble when Pri finds out.

What?? You ask me how I know this is not Pri ???? Well .. for starters, you say that Pri takes the knife out of her back, and then bandages the wound herself !!! (rolling my eyes) And how long are her arms???? I know Pri is not a superwoman .. she has normal arms!!

And dude, what's with the overcoat anyways ???

I rest my case :-)

c e e d y said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Thinking aloud said...

hey... we all need that lil corner to remain thawed...so take care it never gets frozen :)

Pri said...

@ blogboy
well agreed past is long gone and we should learn to let go...but future is not for us to see and worry about too...no use lookin fwd to it...juss makes us more apprehensive...
i believe living in the present is the best thing to do...:)

@ abhishek khanna
lol...and u juss confirmed it :p

@ keshi
i perfectly understand what u mean keshi :)...
we all do feel vulnerable at times...u r not alone...

@ phoenix
i guess u r right phoenix...tht small corner is responsible for the emotions still left within us...but cant help wishing it dint hurt us as bad sometimes...
but human as we are, its impossible to attain complete detachment...
u heard tht quote by charlie chaplin (the man who made everyone laugh)---"i like to walk in the rain because no body knows im crying" ?:)

@ cosmic joy
OPBJECTION MAH LORD!!:D
heehee...pri has mastered tht art buddy...yes it was difficult initially but now she's learnt the trick...:)
And heyy this is her "alter ego" speaking...no imposter!! :p
and the justification for the overcoat is pri wears one sometimes juss to feel a lil warm when the backstab leaves her feelin cold and uncared for...and yess also coz then she dosent want ppl to see her hurt...:)
ek sher isi bahane...
"aansoo ko ankhon ki dehliz pe laya na karo...
apne gham kisi ko bataya na karo...
log mutthi bhar namak liye ghuma karte hain...
apne zakhm kisi ko dikhaya na karo..."

*smiles*

@ thinking aloud
i understand what u mean...but probably my "life" needs to take care of tht dont u think?? :)

Ps said...

Did you like witch of portebello?(I love most of coelho) Depending on what you say I shall consider buying it--do let me know..

CM-Chap said...

Jst now bought it... Going to read soon. ur review/description of it has increased my expectations.

Pri said...

@ ps
will definitely tell u once i am through with it...almost there...juss 20 pages to go...its a biography about a woman written in a kinda diff way...i liked it but not as much as i liked "the alchemist" :)

@ cm-chap
heyy u gotta read it..i loved tht book...do tell me if u liked it once u r through :)

Cosmic Joy said...

Objection overruled!! Your alter ego cannot replace the real you! And no sher is going to sway the court.. Your punishment .. listen to this ... 20 times!!.

Pri said...

@ cosmic joy
heyy ...thts a beautiful song...thanks for the very kind punishment..am on the 18th round already :D...n completely out of choice...
tk care!!

regards from both, pri and her alter ego too ;p

Thinking aloud said...

absolutely :)...