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December 09, 2007

go away!! all posts dont have titles...

Im feeling really helpless and at the same time angry at the sorry state im in nowadays...
Do i really have the right to take my decisions on my own?? i mean yeah, my folks keep telling me how much they trust me to take the right decisions and how im supposed to be the one ultimately making my choices in life...
but days like these i jus keep doubting this hullabaloo...
Maybe they just keep telling me tht so that i keep making the right decisions or rather making the decisions wch are actually compatible with theirs...and yet keep feeling tht they are entirely mine...or worse still so that im afraid tht i'll be held responsible if my decisions turn out to be wrong and so refrain from taking them all by myself and rather ask them for help in the first place...
Seriously there are these times when i fail to understand even family...
Have been taught to take my own decisions right from my childhood days...
then why am i feelin this 'pressure' of late?
Small things have begun to suddenly matter a lot...not tht they dint earlier...they always did but not upto a point where i'd tend to feel suffocated...
There is this sudden lack of space...this point where concern seems like interference...and where everything and everyone out there is waiting to prove u wrong ...to prove ur incapable of handling life...
its getting on my nerves now...its MY friggin life dammit!!
All of a sudden, how come im being questioned a thousand times about whether im sure of what im doing or not...why is it tht im expected to do a certain thing even though im not really comfortable with it??
Sorry but i dont seem to get it! wht happened all of a sudden?
why this sudden 'i know whts best for u' attitude...wch ultimately leads to a lotta arguements...and more of all why this attitude camouflaged by something wch they feel will kinda talk me out of the decision...and if tht dosent work, then theres always that cold feeling of indifference in the air...
And having a difference of opinion dosent really help...i keep argueing, fighting, expressing my disagreement and ultimately feeling bad over how i behaved...
I ask why teach me to make independent decisions when sometime in the future u want to prove to me tht they'd go all wrong ..??
and to add to my irritation,why am i afraid of exactly that even though im pretty confident of my decisions?
Is it because im chicken?? when did i start being unsure of myself...unsure of wht i want...and if i really am tht confused than why this feeling of dissatisfaction tht im letting go of something ...of succumbing to a gnawing fear wch will surely engulf me , my confidence, my existence and whatever little is left of my individuality...
I mean thr comes a point when u jus need the space...and thats why i needed this holiday...but then if thts so, why is it tht im still thinking about it and writing this stupid post at 1.35am even when im sitting here miles away from home...
And then again, i dont know why im being ruthless as well...why i feel this intense dissatisfaction towards things going on...why i expect my family and close ones to understand...to shut up when i want them to...to talk to me when i want them to...and more precisely exactly what i want them to...
Have been losing my patience over the slightest of things of late wch leads me into many an arguements and then eventually locking myself in my room feeling like a stranger in my own house or venting out , cribbing and ranting on my blog...avoiding phonecalls,constantly being in a cranky mood,sleeping almost all the time when im at home,making plans with friends and then calling them up to cancell them...ive been acting crazy i know...
I dont seem to give up but neither do they...
For the first time in life, im feeling claustrophobic!!

18 comments:

c e e d y said...

hehehe
everyone goes thru this phase.....
if you were a guy i would just tell you - its their opinion man !!!!!just like in big lebowski....chilll and have a beer....

Keshi said...

Calm down hun...I go thru this too...infact every day or so. Cos we come from Desi families. Dun get me wrong when I say that. But I believe alot of Indian/Sri Lankan families while teaching their kids to be independent, still try to 'own' their kids even when they grow up. It's actually a contradiction to what we hv been taught and that hurts.


BUT...

U can always still make ur own decisions and explian to them in a way that dun hurt their feelings too. I somehow hv managed to achieve that and now I make my own decisions AND stick to em as well.

Good luck sweetz!
Keshi.

Keshi said...

**explain

Abhishek Khanna said...

yeah doc.. u need a psychiatrist
:D
hope i spelled it right :P

Sam said...

U.... need.... to.... sleep....
Not just regular sleep.. but one induced by sleeping draught!! Chillax... let go... try and forget abt everything!! is it really necesary to think and plan out stuff???
Pri, you are cracking up!!! Get ahold over urself.. the rest will follow.... and yeah.. u've aken decisions on ur own till date.. carry on wid it!!!

btw, u in mumbai now?

Pri said...

@ ceedy
lol!! i guess...i juss needed a break i think...im feeling better already...

@ keshi
thanks keshi...i so very much need it...but hey its not only my family ...its about everyone who kinda claims to care about me...and i know its not their fault...but neither is it mine...
anyways guess i jus wanted to let off steam...helps sometimes dosent it??
makes u feel lighter :)

@ abhishek khanna
yeps...the appointment is scheduled for next week ...:p
heehee
psst!!..wch one do u go to??

@ sam
well lol...the holiday's doing me good...guess i needed one to beat the stress...
how did u guess im in mumbai??
well yes i am..though its easy to guess i think considerin the no of times im frequenting itthese days does give it a title of a second home for me...
enjoying myself to the max...trying to run away from the slightest bit of worry though it still keeps coming up at odd hours when the world is sleeping... a coupla more days shud do the trick i guess...and il'l be back in action! :D

take care!

KP said...

well doc....it happens to the best of us!! just chillax...i know its easier said than done...:)

xunz said...

hey priya, take a break and stick to ur decision...no matter what, trust me, i made a mistake n i am paying for tht... rely on ur own instincts and make ur own decisons even if they turn out to be wrong... 'cuz at the end of the day, you are the one who has to live wid the consequences

An ILLuS|On said...

Take a break from everything..its just that things are kinda overwhelming your decisions..take a break from everything & i hope things would settle down for sure *it does works wonders for me*

aarti said...

think about it priyanka..your parents wont decide something which is bad or not suitable for u..the one who loves u will never want to see u sad.

trust them and trust their decision.

murkha bai,neet vichar kar shantpanen..tevhach tula tyancha
mhanana patel.

luv,
aarti

Keshi said...

good to see u taking care of it urself and in a healthy manner :)

HUGGGGGGGZ!
Keshi.

Sam said...

tell u wot take a break from mumbai too... say how abt a day trip to pune this weekend???

Pri said...

@ kp
i guess so kp...but ur right! :)

@ xunz
ya i agree xunz...
thanks for tht...:)
take care!

@ illusion
i juss did illusion...infact even before u told me...and yaa things are kinda falling back in place..it helped :)

@ aarti
pure ga bhashan pllleeeaaaase...
ok ok jokes apart, i do realise wht u saying...
u on their side too...nobody loves me ..sniff sniff :(

Pri said...

@ keshi
trying to keshi...i think il'l be okay...with just a little help from my friends :)
thanks for being there...
hugzzz

@ sam
this weekend...nawww...thts too early another trip...my folks will be wondering whats gotten into me ...heehee
yess will come to haunt friends at pune soon ;p

till then...chillax and have fun!! *evil laugh*

Ashu said...

Chill down doc.......hope u r chilled now.....Divert mind to some timepass stuff, may be watch some Rajnikanth movie or may be OSO......

take care!!!!!!!!!!

rOhit said...

Go and look out for "CHILL" and then beat the hell outta it. :x

In short.
"Chill Maar".. :P..lol

Some heavy road blocks keep on coming, and m sure by now you must have crossed them too. :)

aarti said...

nobody loves u?? really? AHEM AHEM!
somebody will be very angry u said that.;->

priiiiiyeee...ye ga laukar mumbai parat.missing u loads :(

promise we will have lots of fun.much more than this time.
aani tula asla radka post pan lihaila time nahi denar aamhi next time ;-p

aarti said...

we will ask permission from aunty and uncle if u want..
me aani mom will send special messenger who is ever ready to go. heehee ;->