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October 29, 2007

situations,reactions,interpretations...shades of life!!

ME: "hiiiii...its been suchaaa long timee ....hows u?"
R: "im fine..as ever...how are u pri?" she asked as we hugged each other...

I was meeting up with R after almost 7 months now...except for the few ocassional phonecalls we were almost totally out of touch when she moved to another town after her marriage..i missed meeting up with her as she rarely visited her mom's place...and whenever we spoke on phone it was hardly for 5 minutes...It is a lil different after marriage they say...thts when u dont have as much time for friends and always have someone else on ur mind leaving ur best friends sulking with a "uve forgotten us now":-/...i used to never forget to pull R's leg with tht sulk everytime we called...:D

ME: "im good too...u dont know how happy i am to see u...uve put on soo much weight moti!"
and the conversation continues as we place our order...R tells me about her daily gym routine these days...and how its keeping her soo busy...we talk about job prospects, silly rumours, the latest sales in town and wch stores give the most discounts...having not met up with her for almost 6-7 months now, we have a lot to catch up on...but the smile on her face tells me everythings goin perfect...untill...
her cell starts singing the famous but boring nokia ringtone from inside her handpurse...me is fiddling with my cold coffee as she answers the call which lasts for about 10 minutes...she appears a bit tense
R: "heyy pri..i gotta rush off..its urgent..."
ME: "huh?? well we juss got here...atleast lets finish off with this coffee...whats the hurry?"
R: "its my lawyer pri...i have to go"
ME: "lawyer?? everythin okay?"
R: "been meaning to tell u...actually things havent been good...tarun dint turn out to be the guy i thought he was...ive been through a very bad marriage pri" and she breaks down as i look at her wide eyed...tarun was the guy R was in love with for the past 5 years ...i even remember the time she had introduced us to him before her marriage early this year...and the chap had managed to impress all--- her family and friends and convince us tht he would always keep R happy ...i couldent believe my ears when she told me tht this same guy tarun had turned into a jobless wifebashing bastard who had now moved in with another woman,leaving R with no choice but to leave him
ME: "R, why dint u tell me before?? all this while we were speaking on useless stuff...and ...and i asked u how u were doing ..to wch.......... " me blurted out accusingly,feeling a lil guilty for selfishly filling her up with details of unnecessary stuff when there was obviously so much she wanted to talk about.
There was a long pause making me feel further guilty about all those times i had pulled her leg expecting everything between her and tarun to be going juss great...we were both silent for a while...after which R decided to break the ice
R:"dont we all say tht pri? dont we" she smiled
I knew she was right...how many of us actually go about telling people no matter how close, whats really happening even when nothings going right...everything is always fine...thts how it should be.cos thts the expected reply to a "hows u?" isnt it??...i smiled back realising what she said was absolutely true...
ME:"you did the right thing R" i couldent say anything more
We paid the guy at the counte and hurried off...on the way back,she told me everything...and it only convinced me all the more that she had taken the right decision and while awing at her tolerance threshhold, i wanted to tell her that it would have been a lot wiser to walk off a long time back...but i know how these things go...matters of the heart take over leaving u numb n hoping for miracles...so i decided on saying nothing...and sometimes all u need is someone to listen...and probably thts what R needed right now...

On reaching home, i was thinking about R...how i dint have the slightest clue of what was goin on behind those smiling eyes till that phonecall...

I couldent help but curse the wifebashing freak she had fallen for...a fine example of how "mr right" could become "mr dangerously wrong"...and jus then i was snapped out of my trance by my cell screeching...(i wouldent say ringing thanks to the really weird ring tone selected by one of my close friends...hmpf!)
It was sims on the other line...
ME: "heyy sims...whassup?? hows u?"
SIMS: "not good pri...veryyy BAD!! nothing is goin right...absolutely NOTHING"
ME: "huh?? what happ? anything wrong?" still quite upset over the prev conversation at the coffee shop
SIMS: "everything!"
ME: "want to speak about it??i dunno if i can help..but would try..."
SIMS: "yaa thts the reason i called...im feeling soo upset pri...and i really needed to speak to u to feel better..." by now she was almost in tears or so she sounded
ME: "sure sims,u can count on me...im all ears...shoot! me a lil worried but anyways trying to sound cheerful lest i upset her all the more...
SIMS: not ur ears pri..i dont want tht...all i want is ...all i want is...your PINK LIPSTICK..."
ME: "whaattttt?????!!!"
SIMS: "yaa..." she continued to wail..."ive got a date in an hours time and i cant find ittt...i cant understand why this happens to me all the time...my luck ditches me at the last minute...ive got ALL the other shades right infront of me...but tht blasted PINK shade...i cant find it...n now i have nothin to go with the lovely dress ive bought especially for this date she continued describing the outfit after wch she got back to cribbing ..sigh!...im doomed pri..cursed ...thts what i am...god juss dosent want it to work out for me!" me about to faint now
ME: "heyy sims ...chill chill...u r being hysterical now!!
listen u can borrow mine anytime u want...no problem at all me rolling my eyes and counting 1 to 10"
SIMS: "thanksssssss pri..ur a lifesaver...muaaaahhh!!what would i do without friends like u?? am reaching ur place in 5 minutes...seeyaaaa"

and life seemed rosy to her once again!:-/

I sighed as i couldent help but compare the two sitations i had witnessed...the one in wch R was "fine as ever" or so she said knowing noone could do anything about it and this one in which sims life seemed to her a total disaster and all she needed was a pink lipstick to take care of it...or maybe again thats what it seemed like??...
I wished R's situation was as easy to sort out as the one sims was apparently goin though...5 minutes and everythin fine..how wonderful would that be..but then life isnt that easy and no matter what we wish for, "madame luck" keep throwing surprises at us...
Quickly disposing off the thought i searched my purse for the lipshade...
As i waited for sims,i penned down a few words in my diary---"28th october 2007: 8.15pm:A beautiful evening...a long awaited meetup...smiling faces...conversation over coffee...and life proves to me tht the world might be a little less happier and far more complex than what it shows it is..."

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October 27, 2007

Finished reading Khaled Hosseini's "the kite runner"...its a beautiful book...
spent all of last night reading it and to my surprise juss couldent stop the tears streaming from my eyes...i dont even know whether it was only something about the book ...i mean agreed tht its a very emotional and touching read but then again im not a very emotional person and it really takes a lot for me to cry...
I cry only when it hurts real bad...only when something really pulls at my heart strings and refuses to let go cutting through it deeper and deeper...and thats the reason i cry uncontrollably going out of breath whenever tht happens, often scaring my family by not being able to stop even when i want to...(one thing wch has always managed to scare my mom and believe me it has never been deliberate...she got convinced i dont know how to cry when i almost stopped breathing one sucha dreadful episode (a long time back) between angry sobs becoming as pale as a ghost and tried as much,even both my mom and me couldent get myself together and it was almost declared a medical emergency) ...Much to my moms irritation,i often joke that tht my control system dosent have any "tuning buttons" and hence can blow off the whole machine if turned the wrong way.lol!! I even tried to blackmail her a coupla times after tht episode back then but my mom seems to be the smartest mom around and i guess its not easy to fake something like tht when u havent got a single tear in those mischievous eyes...:-/ and frankly speaking, i myself was too afraid to ever experience tht kinda episode again...besides the fact tht i can never fake a crying scene thanks to wch i was never able to participate in "romantic tragedies" staged during my school years...hmpf!!
Im the kind who has seen a lot happening around me...and have personally been through a lot too wch has kinda made me a strong person or so i'd like to believe...
Not really believing every word u say, not convinced by what she hears and sometimes surprising u by reading what u dont want her to read, there are many who have accused me of misunderstanding them and an equal many who would like to stay a safe distance juss because they fear me understanding them too well...
Like most people ive learnt it the hard way and it has lead to my share of losses too...but at the end of it all, i guess ive emerged as a stronger person and now i wouldent trade it for anything in the world...
People have also accused me of harbouring trust issues which are only evident when one gets to know me rather well...but then cliched as it may sound, i sincerely feel, not being able to trust someone is far far better than having it broken by someone u trusted so much...some might just call me unfortunate and a few close friends have almost gone on the verge of frustration convincing me to snap out of what they feel is this so called "sad" attitude ive adopted...but i believe at the end of the day, its u who matter...and if ur happy living like this then go ahead...
i think im rather happy...
But then no matter how strong i might sound ,i sometimes doubt if there is still some soft spot in tht small lil heart of mine which isnt as frozen as the rest of it...and it scares me that at times a small flickering candle might be enough to melt it...
Memories from the past, back stabs from friends, misunderstandings i know wch will never clear, some words never spoken do fill my heart with regret ...but i dont remember them bringing tears in these empty lookin eyes unless it has hurt me from deep within and i can no longer bear it...
Once upon a time pri was the kind of person who would weep her heart out during "yash johar" flicks or even favourite songs,have tears in her eyes while listenin to someones problems and failed relationships,think till her head hurted about ruined friendships and backstabs from trusted ones...
But dunno how and when...something changed...now she is someone who juss feels a little regret at broken friendships and then decides tht it was never strong enough to last,someone who has learnt to laugh at the corny acting and cliched dialogues in those "ohh soo romantic" kjo movies,who listens to all her friends "i dont know if he/she really cares" woes and wails often trying to help by being their agony aunt and personal shrink till 5 minutes later she gets kicked off from tht position (hmpf!!) because "she will never understand" *rolls her eyes*,who kinda isnt surprised when a so called "close one" stabs her , who has mastered the art of pulling the knife out of her...bandaging the wound herself...wearing her overcoat and walking out, a lil wiser each time...
and then there are times like last night, when she continues to read with misty eyes doubting whether there really has been a transformation???...
and she curses "tht small lil corner" which is still not frozen yet... afterall..

October 25, 2007

IRONY!!!

The saddest joke in life is the realisation that you yourself are responsible for making it into one ...

and thats the kinda joke wch brings in all the regrets...
the kind u dont feel like laughing at...
the kind u juss want to shut urself away from...
the kind u cant stand anyone enjoying...
the kind when everything starts coming back to u and somehow not in the way u planned it...
the kind u cant help wishing to be different...
the kind wch would be funny if it wasent so sad...
the kind which makes u pause and think about the "circle of life" philosophy...
the kind which haunts u day and night...
the kind which makes u look away from the stranger in the mirror...
the kind u know u cant do anything about without worsening it further...
the kind u just refuse to live with...
the kind u know is not possible to die without...
the kind u neither want to share nor want to keep...
the kind wch follows u everywhere as u try ur best to run away from it...
the kind which dosent let u be yourself...
the kind which kills a part of u every minute...
the kind u wished u could ignore but are aware u cannot...
the kind u know u somehow are the only person totally responsible for...

ironically, the big joke u have turned your life into...

The worst kinda punishment is when u cant forgive yourself for somethin u r guilty about...thats when it follows u everywhere u go, eventually tracks u down and haunts u throughout life...the tables turn and the joke is then on u...

and all this while u thought u would be the one laughing??!!



heres hoping and praying we never have to go through such a situation ever!!
i know im not stronghearted enough to handle it...are u??

October 23, 2007

Life those days...

Today , all of a sudden i was taken back in time...years ago when life was soo very different...so very perfect!
and i realised im missing it bad...missing tht life back then...missing 'those' days...

--->when i used to wake up at 7.35 (school started at 8) without a care in the world and my mom used to hurry me up to school...while i continued with my dilly dallying,telling her about the dream she had woken me from (and how she used to always manage to save me from the two headed monsters there by waking me up right on time)
--->when i used to take ages to eat my breakfast making small triangles of my sandwiches while my di impatiently waited , fretting and fuming and going red in the face outta sheer frustration tht she'll have to reach class late again because of me...
---> when i couldent tie my shoelaces and used to look up helplessly at my dad while he would try hard to look the other way cos he wanted me to learn...
---> when i used to wait for my di to come with her friends and meet me during "recess" so tht i got to boast to all my friends about my di being in the secondary section...gosh! it was such a honour thn...even remember threatenin some of my classmates using tht thanks to which noone (atleast not anyone who dint have any "godfather/godmother" in the secondary section bullied me...heeheee :p
--->when i used to wait for my birthday juss to choose the shape of my birthday cake and the colour of my dress...from teddybear faces to buses to boats to airplanes, i had them all...i even remember having a "blue spider" shaped cake because i had insisted on it despite my parents and di warning me it would look funny...i only realised wht they meant when my friends refused to eat it on my birthday...shweta even cried out loud after seeing it...:-/
--->when i used to make handmade cards for all my friends and family on special occassions like birthdays and anniversaries...
my mom still has some of those much to my embarassment :-/
--->when i used to complain to my mom about teachers i hated, about classmates who would bully me and then feel happy when my mom gave me tht big hug whenever i was sad.
err...i still do tht sometimes, the only diff being i dont need to complain anymore...i juss ask her for a hug and she knows :)
---> when i used to fake all those stomach aches, coughs and colds and anticipatory fevers juss so tht i could skip school...nobody fell for my acting ever...but i STILL tried! :-/
--->when i used to spend hours with my colouring book and crayons and water colours ...often getting more colour on myself than on the book...
---> when life was all about coming home, finishing up homework, watchin tv, goin out to play,eating and sleeping...no worries, no tensions, no problems to deal with...ahh! tht was life! :)
---> when "ramayan" and "mahabharat" were a must see every sunday and i used to sit glued to the tv to watch them...
---> when i used to gulp down lunch as soon as possible because i dint want to miss "vikram aur betal" at 2pm in the afternoon...
---> when everyone at home used to sit to watch programmes like "surabhi" and "the world this week"...
---> when growing up was all about progressing from "tinkle","phantom", "mandrake" "amar chitrakatha" and "disney stories" to "archie comics" ,"famous five" "nancy drew"s...
---> when i further progressed to "nancy drew--case files"without anybodys knowledge as they were declared by my di as a taboo because thr was uncensored stuff involved...so i sneaked up behind her and borrowed (without her knowledge ofcourse...heeheee)a coupla casefiles from her collection..i was 12 then and very very curious :-/.now i wonder wht the big hype about nancy drew having a boyfriend and archie periodically kissing veronica and betty, was all about...but those days i was an idiotic nut with an even more idiotic "i know something" grin on my face while reading them..thanks to wch i was soon caught red handed by di...sigh!! so much for "the innocence of childhood"...
---> when i used to pester my mom and more often my di with all sorts of weird questions like "where do babies come from?" and "why cant ppl go for their first honeymoon with their kids?" and so on...dont grin!!we humans are a curious bunch..im sure we all have asked those as kids :-/
--->when "standing first" in class was a big victory and i couldent wait to get home and break the news to everyone...till it became a custom and everyone started taking it for granted ...hmpf!
--->when my mom hushed me down and hugged me between angry sobs and frustrated "why me's??" (yeah tht was a fav question even back then :-/) after getting a E grade at PT consoling me tht we cant be good at everything...
---> when my dad celebrated my success however small, be it winning an essay competition or getting a poem published in some kiddo mag or bagging first place in class with "black magic" icecream...mmmmmmm! wonderful...cant beat any icecream anyday...they stopped making it now though and thts exactly one of the reasons i miss those days all the more :(

That innocence of childhood, the small joys of those magic years, the bedtime stories told by mom as she tried to make me sleep, the tiffs and fights i had with kids from the colony over barbie dolls and jigsaw puzzles,the competitions of who would eat the most chocolates and the eating of toffees till we were fed up of eating them,the coming home with soiled clothes after falling down from bicycles and jumping into puddles of mucky rain water, the sheepish grin we all had on our faces when any of the moms questioned us about it,the "eternal division" of kitkats and toblerones between me and di, and then preserving mine till she finished hers (heehee)----i miss it all...

Those magic moments leave us with soo many memories as they silently vanish with each coming year...and we groe up!
Grow up to a life devoid of all these simple pleasures, grow up to a life filled with other matters wch gain importance...
somewhere somehow we lose out on tht innocence of childhood...

and then one fine evening, juss outta the blues, we begin to miss them-'those' days..those wonderful times, the memories of which will be cherished for ever and for always.:)

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October 17, 2007

Reliving my 5th birthday...:)

Look what i found today...





my oldest "BUDDAAAYYY GIFTTT"...yippeee!!!
it was tucked away safely in an old closet in the store room and conveniently forgotten about...until today, whn i happened to open the dusty drawer and find 5 lil froggies peeping at me with mic in hand ...and tht got a lotta memories gushing back!!
My silly lil heart juss needs an excuse to do a flip flop and reign in nostalgia and what better excuse than finding ur 5th birthday gift after all these years...
All these years definitely has taken its toll on the poor lil things which were far more functioning then than now... (i love u mom for having carefully preserving it all these years...muaaahhh!!)
Much to my moms amusement, i tried placing some batteries frantically and checked if it still was working :-/...my dad and di were laughing all this while as they remembered it was with the same zeal and enthusiasm that i had opened my gift on my 5th birthday...
But to my dissapointment it dint work anymore..the "rock star" froggies juss refused to croak as i continued performing auditory function tests by ringing the doorbell making the neighbours wonder if i'd finally lost my marbles to not notice the door wch was kept wide open...but all in vain, the lil froggies had gone deaf n dumb too and could no longer sense sound signals and croak in sync as they used to :((...damn these good-for-nothin battery operated toys!hmpf!! :(
But needless to say,i was really happy on finding it ...was kinda reliving the past again as my mom and dad narrated incidents from my childhood...though they got a bit too carried away and also brought up the vases i had broken, the number of fights i had gotten into with my kiddo classmates ,the pranks i had pulled on my classroom teachers, and the tactics i had tried to get my name removed from the harmonium classes wch my mom had forcibly enrolled me into...heehee.
I quickly distracted their attention back to the "discovered treasure" lest they remember a "lil less adorable" things i had done as a child :-/...
Coming back to my "frog band",it was only when i dusted and wiped it clean that i noticed one of the microphones they held was lying detached wch i managed to attach back after a lotta effort...The small lil board at the back (giving it a total rock band effect) wch said "THE FROG BAND" was now missing...:(
But pri has not lost hope yet...it must be lying somewhere for sure...and she is determined to find it and complete the "frog band" wch her parents had soo lovingly gifted her at 12 am on the 3rd of june 19 yrs back...(my heart juss did a flipflop again and is now wearing a funny hat and singing "summer of 69" ,guitar in hand)
Tomorrow i plan on cleaning every corner of the store room again...*james bond music in the background*
sigh!...ive suddenly started missing the "pink casio" wch my sis had gifted me when i was eight :-/
I know its got to be there...SOMEWHERE!

October 16, 2007

huh???

And i was introduced to yet another shade of human nature when a frustrated now 'once upon a time' f-r-i-e-n-d (word split alphabet by alphabet because thts what i would like to do to him now...arggghhh!!)asked me if i was mentally normal because im not "PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED" to him!!!


and no!!...by his irritated tone,i dont think he was joking...hmpf!
A lot other things were said like i should probably be going and spending the rest of my life in a secluded ashram on the himalayas, give "pravachans" on abstinance from all kinda worldly "moh-maya" and even suggesting tht i would have been "swami vivekanand" had i been a boy and born in a diff era...(dont ask me to explain the swami vivekanand bit..even i couldent figure tht out :-/)
He also proceeded further sayin he cant be god (excuse me! whn did i ask him to be?..ahem! i did ask him to stop being a weirdo once though) and whn i asked why we cant be friends, concluded tht i was "god" (tht felt good actually...felt as if i had juss had a dip in the ganga) and should be friends only with other gods...heehee!! whaatta line! :D
can it get any funnier??? :-/
why dont some guys get it that it takes a lot more than juss physical attration to get a girls attention and direct her towards the "more than friendship" zone...
Maybe im unable to relate to his way of thinking...
maybe im juss put off by his overinflated ego...
maybe im juss too irritatesd by his hyperexcitable nature esp at times whn im feelin blue...
maybe im too disgusted by his adamant attitude, his so called drippin sexuality, and perhaps his way of classifying all his feelings as normal and "if u dont agree with me, u r abnormal and need therapy" justification...
maybe his overpossesive nature scares me at times...
maybe his uncaring attitude towards others puts me off...
maybe i refuse to take up hints and try to avoid the topic only because i cant see it the way he sees it right now and im not sure if i would see it tht way anytime in the future (especially if he continues acting like tht)...
and cliched and fairytailish as it may sound,i still do believe in "true love" wch is far far beyond jus physical attraction...and am not convinced tht its found soo easily...so if u juss pop up frm somewhr with a "im ur trueee lurrvvee" board, dont expect me to believe u...:-/
but NO!! he juss wont consider all that...and go right ahead and label me "mentally abnormal" for being able to resist his "oh-so-irrestable" charms. :-/
and to think i was feeling guilty all this while for my behaviour towards him and attempted apologising quite a number of times but never really got the chance to until today...and after the irritating conversation we had, i thought i really needent have done that and tht it was better off when we werent speaking.lol!! I hung up feeling less guiltier and a lil more weirder for having called him around a dozen times earlier to explain...
Tried callin him up again but mr weirdo who apparently was feeling all satisfied and good about himself tht miss-mentally-abnormal was calling him up because maybe she was convinced and wanted him to pay her shrink's fees for the 100th unsuccessfull therapy session, dint want to break his illusion and so kept disconnecting every time...but thinkin of it now, in a way good he dint answer the call because i had a lotta things to say, a lotta explanations to give why i couldent consider it any more than a friendship.blah blah...the waste of energy which probably i would have regretted later...thinking tht it was juss around 10 mins and i was already glad for not having put up with his crap...
I mean i agree u might be normal and according to u im not for not sharing the same feelings with u...but did u know having a vivid imagination and imagining things wch dont really exist about ppl who sometimes dont have the slightest clue tht u r imagining thm (until u tell thm tht u r), is called "erotomania" and tht is a psychiatric disorder...so please can i suggest u an appointment now?? :-/
Well after this post, one things for sure i dont think he would ever want to speak or imagine me again...lol!!
I admit it was pretty stupid of me to call back several times in the past few days (to apologise for my rude behaviour) juss to save the friendship...
but whoaa,thinkin bout todays conversation with a patient and relaxed mind, it did surprise me with a lotta revelations wch are kinda too freaky to handle :)... and i dont like scaring myself time n time again...besides i dont think i have the patience to call a person who dosent want to hear me out so tht he can keep believing what he wants to believe...so there!!
The only regret in all this is he probably dint let me explain certain things i wanted him to know...but then i guess i tried...but one things for sure,explanations accepted or not, im definitely not comfortable with what he said today and probably imagines everyday without my consent ofcourse...period!!
This impressive (being sarcastic juss in case u dint get it) conversation got me wondering how shallow-minded guys can get at times and also how "imaginative" wch the dude again justified as perfectly normal and said tht he was being totally honest in confiding in me about it...huh???
He also said tht there r definitely other guys out there who do pretty much the same thing juss tht he got about telling me and tht made all the difference...I mean wht the hell...is this guy telling me tht there r more ppl like him.."well atleast they dont freak me out with details of their imagination...besides ive got many good friends who are guys and they happen to be not 1/zillionth as crappy as you"...he juss smirked to tht wch enraged me all the more...
I retalliated with something about respect and my friends not being idle and me not having ever met a guy who thought of things in such a disrespectful (read as "sick") way ...and he surprised me by a big long speech on "respect" clinging onto every damn alphabet of the word and how he thinks tht it is the most important thing and he wouldent ever feel the same way if he dint respect me...ohh and yess forgot to mention history says he did "respect" a few other women in the past too who probably even fell for his "respect" story and maybe even stepped out of his imagination and hopped into reality transforming one into another...
But helllooo!! i dont think i can ever do that and would appreciate if he managed to get me out of his imagination as well (and thn forget all about me as a favour)as im not very comfortable there...
A few hours of afterthought also got me giving up on the friendship big time!!
From now on, every time i feel guilty for being rude (though the conversation was creepy enough to eliminate all pangs of guilt from emerging),il'l juss read this post and guess that would do more than enough to disgust me off him. :-/

sigh! it is only because of such hyper egoistic specimens that the entire "male" species gets misunderstood...

October 15, 2007

unnecessarily hyped!!

For all those ppl who are yet to watch "laaga chunri mein daag", take this as a wellwishers warning and save urself the 150 bucks...the movie is PATHETIC!!!
A better idea would be juss switch on the tv and watch the promos of "LCMD" a lil more and i promise u can sue me if u miss out something important wch apparently the audience of this movie has not...sigh!!
What is bollywood cinema coming to nowadays?? its getting all about awful story lines, lived-happily-ever-after hopelessly unrealistic endings and now to make matters worse justifications in the wrong direction.
Was waiting for this movie for a long long time now and the promos and interviews made me go and stand in the long queue for the blasted tickets of the "first day first show"...
I have never till date been as excited about the release of a movie..but with the concept of two big banner films being released on one day, i thought these guys would atleast have some shame and make sure its a hit...bollywood i tell u will never IMPROVE..."journey of a woman" it seems ...BAH!!! :-/
Obviously a huge crowd had fallen for the gimmick, the promos , the chosen star cast and the hype and like poor me , i guess they too believe in giving movie directors a chance to prove themselves...
Please note: for all the visitors whohave accused me of adding a spoiler to my reviews in the past...heeheee(how i love doing tht),u needent worry cos the trailors runnin on tv have already done the job...sigh!!
As we already know the movie is about two small town girls "vibhavari" (rani)and "shubhavari" (konkona" who come from the city of banaras...
Torn between a family crisis and her fathers hospital bills, vibhavari resorts to the "dark side to fast money" way...and why am i even tellin u guys this? as if ull havent guessed already? :-/...u dint really think "natasha" would be vibhas twin sister did u?? (dont grin..thts wht one of my friends had imagined and even she dint enjoy the movie...she cribbed her imaginery concept would have made a better story)...
The story(err was there really one?) further drags with more crappy instances whr a comman friend "michelle" suggests tht vibha should become a high class escort so tht she can use men to her benefit instead of they using her...(the crappy part here, is michelle stresses on the part tht rani should not become a "aisi waisi call girl" but a "high class expensive escort"...(my left foot!! is there really any difference??)...this made me wonder who this dame "michelle" could be to teach rani how to dress raunchily for the act,convince her into it, help her with her loud makeup,tell her what to charge per hour and suggest she should change her name to "natasha"...how did michelle know soo much about this??*suspicious suspicious* besides she is shown to introduce rani to most of her so called "high class" clients...

There are many candyfloss "never-expect-it-to-happen-in-real-life" situations too which further labels the movie as a flop (atleast to me)...
Theres this instance whr abhishek bacchan confesses he knew he had fallen for her right in zurich whr the duo had spent juss a few hours and one song (to be precise)together before rani had got an emergency call and needed to rush off without even notifying "rohan" (abhishek)probably because her evil blackmailing cousin has somehow managed to track her down all the way to zurich (no explanations how) and would die of an anxiety attack if she left even 10 seconds later..or probabaly he had a train to catch all the way back to banaras.:-/..but thn heyy maybe thts a good thing isnt it? it did get abhishek bacchan to realise he is missing her and tht he had fallen in lurrvee afterall...:-/
worse still is the part when rani decides to go in melodrama mode and disclose her sinister side to rohan...
the audience is waiting...
konkona, anupam,and jayaji are waiting...
everybody's waiting for some drama, some surprise element (atleast from abhishek bacchans side who i'd started feelin was the only hope to being surprised at rani's story because a)he was paid for acting surprised b)"rohan" in the story had apparently not watched the promos?? :-/
But NO!! even "rohan" wasent surprised, making me frown at everyone in the movie hall as he goes about telling her tht he always knew she was a "high class escort" (pls note he mentiones HIGH CLASS too)..he further goes about with his "candy floss" dialogues about how his respect has grown for rani since she thought of confiding in him before saying a "yes" and tht the secret wch first impressed him on the flight was the "hanuman chalisa" she muttered...it seems tht got the dude impressed, took a dip in her soul and reflected how pure she actually was...hmmmm! bery bery interesting!!
Also thr are some characters who make an appearance, pretend to play an important role and thn suddenly slip away and u dont even notice whn...and its only towards the end of the movie tht u actually start wondering why in hell they had made such a grand entry...sigh!!
Apart from these unbelievable lines and some "i-cant-believe-she-did-tht" situations, the movie is a ok ok type...
the star cast has done full justice to the story...(sigh! they cant be blamed for the poor story and unnecessary hype before release can they??)the music is pretty good...i esp liked the songs "teekhi teekhi si ek karari si ladki" (though my friends kept insisting it sounded more like a "lizzat papad" ad...wat-e-ver!!)and "hum toh aise hain bhaiyan" (wch was at the very start further raising my hopes about the movie only to come crashing down later).
kunal kapoor has acted rather well but he needs to polish his acting skills i guess... though he definitely has the charm of a "tall, fair and handsome guy with dimples in his cheek" (wch is pointed out very prominently in the song "ek teekhi teekhi si" juss in case we missed thm...:-/).konkona has played the role of a "bindaas with not a care in the world" younger sibling well...
But what i dint like was the fact tht they have unnecessarily justified the profession...In this world of womans lib, i dont think any woman under any situation should resort to prostitution (sorry if tht seems too hard a word as compared to the funny "high class escort" thingie concept)...and juss because a woman has been cheated into indulging into it once dosent mean tht she decides to teach the bad guys a lesson and go on a "sex for money" spree (though i still am clueless how she claims on teaching thm a lesson tht way or as michelle put it to rani in the movie "use them instead of allowing thm to use u" ...huh???)IMHO, rani turning into a serial killer after the first incident would have been a much more interesting concept ...seriously! :-/
I agree that she needs to meet her family crisis requirements and she's not educated enough to get a job, but cmon ppl , instead of the time spent in learning the "tricks of the dirty trade" , she could have used it up to learn modelling instead and become a high class model instead of a high class u-know-what...sigh!!
Agree she probably wouldent be paid as much if she'd taken up any other job...but i dont think compromising values under any situation is right...and no, come what may i dont think it can ever be justified...atleast it wasent to me in this movie!!
What i simply cant understand is why does rani refuse to take help from a willing friend instead of sleeping around with strangers and then dramatising her woes...she could very well take the loan from the friend and thn repay him back in installments isnt it?? the "mystery life" wasent needed...i mean what are they tring to say here?? tht every girl under difficult situations should remember tht she has one major advantage wch she can use in times of dire circumstances?? and tht she shouldent think twice about it whn her family is at stake?? or r they trying to say here tht ppl who have studied only upto the 10th std should lose hope and never intend to study further because not only can they earn lots of money compared to the mediocre 9 to 5 job, but also the respect of ultra rich , ultra suave dudes like abhishek bacchan for whom these things hardly matter...besides maybe some wacko director might juss direct a candyfloss cinema someday based on their story carefully camouflaging all the hideous parts and glorifying only the gloss and adding some perks of his own...
Anyways soo much for the promos,i saw some really dejected lookin ppl being interviewd by a local channel on the movie...and it was really funny to see how ppl can say "its a amazing and strong headed movie" with a really weak voice...and funnier to see the same ppl mutter "shee pure waste of money" whn the crew hopped away to interview other bakras...hypocrites!! the world is full of thm...and i went for the movie with 3 of the best ones who hurridly pulled me away lest i vent out all my not-so-pretty opinions about the movie right there...
Will go for "bhool bhullaiya" today...i'll never learn will i??...heehee :p

October 10, 2007

ENIGMA...!!!



"how do u know tht?" she'd ask amazed,
and from speaking further she'd refrain...
everyone would get fooled by her happy face,
yet,somehow he managed to see right through the pain...

and she wondered how can he,
have a judgement so wise and true??...
but when asked he had but one reply,
"thts because i think i really know u"...

not convinced by what she heard,
now afraid of being read out loud n clear...
she continued to gape in empty space,
hoping someday he'd calm down her fear...

the fear which noone could ever gauge,
the fear residing deep within,
the one wch gnawed at her night and day,
yet no one knew about, neither friends nor kin...

afraid that whn the day arrived,
to speak out about it, to him she'd dare...
what if she realised thn,
tht she's been mistaking his curiosity for his care??...

what if she was wrong in judging his words?...
what if it all was just a delusion??...
what if everything she believed in was a lie?...
what if her reality was juss an illusion??...

not knowing what was troubling her,
trying to figure whats on her mind...
guessing thrs something seriously wrong,
yet aware the solution he may never find,
he continued to humour her in small lil ways,
and hoped tht it would light up her days...

their friendship grew with laughs and smiles,
all was well, everything seemed fine...
but everytime he asked about her fears...
she would pull away and draw the line...
ignore always this indifference he tried,
and whn he said "its ok", she knew he lied...
he knew it hurt her to see him this way,
yet she always left him confused why she wouldent say.
he never pressed on it, cos he knew she cared,
and wouldnt ever lose hope on the silent love they shared...


till one day he could resist no more,
implored her to tell him what was troubling her so...
confessed he loved her and always would,
pleaded her to confide in him and she knew she could...

"tomorrow" she promised as silent tears were shed...


that night, she shot a bullet in her head!

October 07, 2007

juss some updates--for the record...

Life continues to play games leaving me with a lot of things on my mind lately...
Its kinda weird to know someone who was always around is not around anymore and worse still is bugged with u and juss wont try to understand...
I know ive been stupid...extremely stubborn at times and adamant and strong headed for maybe a lotta wrong reasons...but i guess i stretched it a bit too far this time...
The confidence tht nobody can stay angry at me for long has been brutally proved wrong as i leave yet another message on the answerin machine...
somehow i know this time too it will go unattended...

*.*.*.*.*.*
some other issues creeping up now and thn has led me retalliating a bit too often these days...
i do realise ive got to be more patient when it comes to these...but believe me, when it comes to some ppl, patience is really a virtue...they juss keep nagging u exactly on the things u dont want to be nagged about...sigh!

*.*.*.*.*.*
Realisations have always come a bit too late as far as im concerned...but whn i eventually do realise, theres no turning back...
Its crazy but i have realised many a things in the past at the least expected of times and places...im casually walking down the stairs of the CCD with a friend while she is speaking about her dog being ill and needs to be taken to the vet and BAM!!!out of the blues i realise something wch wasent even on my mind then...
im watchin my fav tv soap and everyone around me are wondering who the serial killer who is goin on a killing spree for the past 150 episodes could be and in the middle of nowhere VOILA!! another realisation...sigh! thts how it usually goes...
dont ask me how...i dunno myself...im juss like that :-/
So it was just another boring day and i was busy doing nothing in particular whn my mom called me to help around the kitchen...and amidst all tht chopping of vegetables and the whistle of the pressure cooker, it happened yet again!
I realised something...something very important...something wch has long been creating havoc in my life..realised was and am being fooled and fooling myself for way too long and this has to stop somewhere...somehow!
and tht also made me realise tht im strong enough to see "the game once played" very cleary now...but it just dosent matter anymore..and yess there is no "probably" this time..:)

*.*.*.*.*.*

Amidst all the realisations and reflections, my career plans are finally seeming to fall in place...2 months of holidays was more than enough and i cant carry on with this "lukhagiri" any longer...
So got about giving my first interview a few days back and the good news is i got the job...yeppers!! :D...so dr pri will be joining the hospital in a few weeks time...yaa probably will miss the bindaas holiday spirit im now enjoying...but thn again "all play and no work makes jill a lazzyy girl" isnt it?

*.*.*.*.*.*


I juss heard from a good friend that one of our common friends attempted suicide...and to think we always thought he was a very happy person...
Tht made me believe juss a lil more in bollywood storylines...i dont know if i should go to see him or not...
even if i do, i dunno what to say to him...

*.*.*.*.*.*

A close pal of mine has given up on the "love of her life" juss because her parents are not agreeing to their marriage because their family astrologer told them that their "kundalis" dont match...
i dont know what to say to her too...

*.*.*.*.*.*

theres a new mall opened up and they couldent have chosen a worse time...i juss did a whole lotta shopping the past few weeks and my dad's goin to hit the roof even if i mention the "m" of "mall" now...sigh!

*.*.*.*.*.*

someone i always have been considering a very good friend has got his priorities sorted...and im happy for him...
something i had quite expected to happen finally happened.so im not surprised...sometimes expecting the worst to happen helps if and when it eventually does...makes u feel kinda prepared for it.

*.*.*.*.*.*

while some things are falling into place , some things in my life continue to fall out of place...but i know i'll have to learn to handle them...

*.*.*.*.*.*

Seems like life is busy planning surprises (like it always has)...and i bet its feeling happy everytime it leaves me speechless...
still learning to deal with them...
The worst ones though are when it makes me surprise myself most!!!

Neverthless, as the song says...


cheers!!! :)

October 05, 2007

"blogger crush" ALERT!!

Andekhi_Anjaani_Mu...

Is it possible to miss someone or rather someone's thoughts soo much that u actually wait for that person to write his/her next post and tend to get a wee bit upset if it dosent turn up?to miss someone u dont even know nor have ever seen, when that person is not around?
well i am actually going through a kinda similar weird feeling right now yet again convincing myself that im paranormal ..but sure, that has got me wondering...am i thaat crazy?? :p
Sigh! and just when pri thought she was all ready to break loose from the shackles of emotional bonding,(was plannin my next trip to the himalayas--orange garb and all) someone makes her realise that she still is an emotional fool...
Well it so happens, that however naive and gullible ppl say that is, it still hurts me real bad when i have to lose a friend ...and sometimes it hurts from within...
The feelin of a close one going away from u or being angry at u manages not only to break ur heart but also makes life feel soo very futile...but thn lets be practical...afterall its life and nobody said it would be fair!
But thn again we as humans always have and always will expect it to be and when expectations are not met and life dosent seem fair, we will cry, scream at ourselves, break glasses and swear (for the more melodramatic kinds) or resort to all kinda self inflicted torture and turn into ghosts and haunt ppl who we love and cant get over (for the ram gopal verma movie fans who are recently lurving his new crap"darling".ewww...it was a horrendous experience--tht film..and worse still it had esha deol being naturally scary even whn she wasent playin ghost and isha kopikar who cant act real for nuts...the story line was crap, the acting crappier and after "aag" and"darling", RGV should be shot in the head.hmpf!)
Ok jokes apart,if u already thinking that ive finally lost my marbles to digress like that or that ive forgotten all about the so called "blogspot thingy" (though tht wudent be too much of a surprise considerin a person who has the capacity to forget her password ..sigh!),thn dont be dissapointed...il'l stop digressing here and am in a state of perfect mental balance...or err..atleast trying to be ..:p
Well thr was this person *name undisclosed*--for security reasons...security from he calling me mad if he happens to be reading this and also because i dont believe in boosting someone's ego unnecessarily...juss in case he has one of those'overinflating' kinds...and one of the most important reasons why im not disclosing his name is err , because i actually dont know it myself...juss know him by his blog handle :(
ok so this "mr blogger" has apparently managed to create some sorta magic...and all i know about him is that he is a "he"...sigh!
Now if u r imagining his blog to be one of those ultra fancy, lovely blogs with millions of readers gushing in, thn ur sadly mistaken...cos i happened to be the only one visiting him for a long long time (not soo long long actually..cos he apparently has entered the bloggin world juss around a coupla months back or so it seems...unless he is goin by some other handle somewhwre else...and thts keepin him busy....................................................................................................and me's feeling a lil insecure now :( .sigh!i told u im crazy.)
Well it so happened that "mr blogger" happened to stumble upon my blog accidently (im guessing)..and said some pretty interesting things..things wch were mentally stimulating...things wch made me sit a while and ponder on what was being said... and for the first time pri was at a loss for words...something in those one-liners left her thinking and reflecting ..there was nothin extraordinary but there was something---some chemistry wch those one-liners and not-so-one-liners had managed to evoke...
so off i went hopping to his blog...juss like a kid who's spotted a new candy store in town...on reaching there frankly speaking, i was a bit dissapointed...
it was as if the kid in the candy store suddenly discovered tht the candy store was not updated with the goodies she had expected and since it was new, the owner had hardly bothered to bring in stuff yet and there were juss a few candies (oops posts) there...i noticed tht the blog was new and i at once labelled "mr blogger" as juss another "new kid on the block"(err blog) who's enthusiasm would fade out with a post or two...let me mention here tht the posts there were nothing spectacular (nothin like the wonderful things u guys come up with)...infact they were mostly pretty plain one-liners again...but somehow i saw potential...the posts were very different from the kinda comments he posted wch implied tht the blogger was juss too plain lazy to lay out his thoughts in public and would only perhaps express his opinions when he feels he really needs to...hmmm! tht was interesting..lazy at the cost of seeming unopiniated but interesting.(ok ok ! maybe only i see it tht way...hmpf!)
so i went ahead and commented...dint expect any reply though.. cos had guessed the "new enthusiastic kid on the blog" philosophy wud hold true in this case too and this blog would wilt away...but to my utmost surprise, he BLOGGED almost immediately proving me wrong and frm thn on tht made me check his blog almost 3-4 times in a day...
He was happy to find a visitor to read his thoughts and extended a hand of friendship which i readily accepted...
This went on for around 15 days and i really enjoyed it..it was really nice commenting on his blog and getting replied to...now u guys might point out tht theres nothin gr8 in tht and thts juss blogger etiquettes...but remember me--the only person there *blush blush*...so wat-e-ver!! :o
And then all of a sudden a trip planned...me wasent around...got back...and mr blogger had vanished :(...he had not been blogging while i wasent around nor had he replied to the comments i had posted on his blog before leaving for the trip:(...
He is still not blogging...nor has he been visiting :(...poof! vanished from blogdom...without a trace..
worse still there is no means of contact...no email addie.no nothing...not tht i wud *blush blush*...tht would be embaressing and desperate and probably he would end up getting delusional and scare me away.:p BUT where in hell are good ol blogger etiquettes gone now??hmpf!!
atleast a msg.atleast a post dedicated to the readers of his blog.heehee.or atleast a parting note...ok ok--i guess im gettin dramatic now :(.but what really irked me was NO REPLIES to my comments...ohh how i juss HATTEE tht!! especially if u r someone who only me reads, and i know u dont have an enormous fan following and u know i would be coming to check if im being replied to cos i kinda tend to get possesive bout ur blog considerin im the only one frequenting it...hmpf!! (SHADDUP! and stop thinkin im being weird.:x)
So from tht blasphemous day onwards till date there has been no sign of mr blogger :( leaving me with hundreds of questions probably starting with "what is thy name?" ...heehee
sigh! thts life i guess...ppl come, some stay,some go away bidding goodbye with a glorious and happy farewell, while some leave silently without even a parting note leaving u wonderin as to what happened and why they have to leave in sucha hurry...

and then again there are those who leave but never really manage to leave:).
ok thats enough! here i remind myself not to go digressing again...
so coming back to "mr blogger", it was really strange actually...
no names exchanged, no formal or informal introductions , no long hours of yapping (in fact not even short minutes :p)...just some sorta chemistry i seemed to notice through a coupla comments exchanged.u know the "i juss skipped a funny heartbeat" feeling..thats it!lol!!
I know wht u guys must be thinking...tht pri is at her dramatic best unnecessarily hyping up things...others must be thinkin "what crap...she calls that a crush..she dosent even know his name??"...and there must be still a few who would snigger and tell me he could be a 70yrold balding guy with 3 wives...and that it dosent make sense...
well thts wht a crush is supposed to be like neways, isnt it? a passing phase while u learn to grow up and get more real...so. wat-e-ver!!
err.. well ok maybe tht was a bit of a hurried "crush" label..maybe its juss curiosity afterall.but thn i still frequent his blog and leave a comment or two...juss like the kid who inspite of knowing tht the candy store she liked has shut down and might never open again, visits it still in the hope that probably one day she might get to see the friendly face of the candyman again and catch a glimpse of her fav store :) perhaps cos she has gotten used to going there...or perhaps cos she has taken a fancy to tht place... or perhaps juss for the "nostalgia" bit :)
but the kid will get tired someday and someday she will give up...and so will i..and the day is most likely somewhere in the next fortnight.lol!!.infact im almost beginnin to feel tht i was right in tht "new kid on the blog" philosophy..perhaps "mr blogger" dint prove me wrong afterall.(i should really be nominated for the "i know im always right" award)..and considerin i have said so much already, dont think he has really left me speechless too ...lol!!!
Thought i would write on this experience cos found it rather amusing myself and this virtual world has never ceased to amaze me...
it keeps springing surprises at me from time to time till the point i guess whn il'l be no longer surprised, at it and at myself...
P.S: to all my friends who keep trying to get me away from the comp, ive not totally lost it...so stop making faces and stop giving me that "u-r-neglecting-REEEEAL-ppl-who-care-for-u" crap...Because il'l keep questioning u on ur definitions of "RREEAAALL" ..so dont say i dint warn u! :D
whtsay guys?? any similar experiences? had any so called "crushes" on someone u dont know a thing about?perhaps just a conversation,the wonderful thoughts of a fellow blogger, a photograph shared or any other marvel of the net world??

would love to hear ur experiences...go ahead...dont shy away..its life afterall .we all know its a crazy trip anyways :)

cheers!!

October 03, 2007

oh, how i hate this selective amnesia!!! :( :(:(

Juss cant seem to understand whats wrong with yahoo...
and i guess after hearing this u guys juss wont seem to understand whats wrong with me?? :(
Can u believe that i actually forgot the password to both my yahoo id's (stop grinnin --both unfortunately had the same password).
and my gr8 memory who does a more than fine job at remembering totally unwanted and nonsensical things otherwise is being soo adamant that it just refuses to recollect what it could be...sigh!
Have been wrecking my brains for the last 5 days trying to configure wht i could have entered it as ...and the genius that i am, in order to make it more secure and confuse hackers(who if ever got jobless and had nothin better to do in life decided to choose my account to hack in all the world)put in some random birthdate and typed in some rubbish for the answer to my secret question...yeah yeah i know i am suffering from delusions of grandeur which suddenly make me feel im the most important person in the universe and that my emails and contacts require utmost security from being invaded by mere mortals who invest their lifetime earnings in getting professional hackers to hack into my account and get the "ohh soo valuable" information which could possibly make them the richest people on earth...sob sob!!wwwaaaahh!! :(( i HATEEE myself...what was i thinkin to do something like tht---put in a ultra secure password, a random security answer and birthdate and thn being the only person to forget all of it.
And here i am left sulking and cursing the evil eye who cast a wicked spell on my ever so reliable memory which i took great pride in bragging about :((...have tried contacting yahoo services and have actually got replies telling me to forget bout my id's , create a new account and start life afresh...sob! how mean can they get??
My family instead of consoling me had a hearty laugh whn i confided in them and spilled out my woes ...hmpf!!and my so called friends are passing mean comments on not being able to believe my stupidity and how i keep breaking my own record at it each time...hmpf!! RIGHT! with friends like these, who needs enemies?? boohoo!!
5 days of long struggle, brain wrecking, cribbing, fuming, fretting, contacting friends and asking them if they can find someone to hack my account, and receiving sorry replies like yahoo is soo universally secure, i remain irritated cribbing about these so called techno savvy, computer geeky,and just-give-me-a-minute-and-il'l-solve-any-problem-for-u smartass friends of mine, swearing to never ever awe and envy them whn they boast about knowing to hack and crack any damn account in the world..hmpf!! HORSECRAP!!
"oh great hackers of the universe...where art thou , whn i need u the most??" :((

I HEREBY HUMBLY ACCEPT DEFEAT FROM THE SECURITY OF THE YAHOO NETWORK AND THE INSECURITY OF MY WRETCHED UNRELIABLE MEMORY...HALLLPPPP!!!