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January 16, 2009

the choice...

she is standing there all dressed in white...she looks calm..serene..unaffected..a strange glow lights up her face...she seems happy..content...calling me towards her with motherly affection...
i take a few steps in her direction....when all of a sudden, a strange fear grips me...
there is only one question playing on my mind like a broken record---should i go ahead???
it is then that i hear a faint call.i turn to see a shadow---blurred, hazy, discrete..."dont run away from me my child, come back to me" it keeps saying....
there is a strange solace in that voice...a reaasuring note which wants me to rush back...just like a child rushes back into his mothers arms when he is afraid...

but then something holds me from going back..there is this lady in white who seems soo genuine...soo much like she wants to see me happy..the light she is emanating makes me feel that she is going to be there to show me the way...to guide me..but she says nothing...she just smiles and asif reading the thought in my head says "ask yourself"

i try to concentrate but my attention is broken over and over again by the shadow calling out to me...it seems familiar--the voice..asif ive heard it before..from close quarters...yet it is suspiciously artificial...
it seems convincing enough to make me feel that it needs me to return to it, promising to keep me safe forever...secure and strong forever..yet i am afraid...not satisfied...

but the lady in white is a stranger...and maybe that is the fear tugging at me...maybe i am soo used to the familiarity that i am feeling afraid to put my trust in a stranger who i havent ever seen before...yet somehow, there is this conviction---this strong gut feeling...this voice in my head telling me to take those steps forward towards the light...

i turn to see the shadow again...it looks sad...looks lonely, saying-- "please dont go..how will i live without you?" ..damn!! it must be missing me!
i strain my ears to hear if the 'light' ahead has something to say...but it is still silent..not a single word..just the pristine smile which tells me that i wouldent regret my decision had i to choose the path infront...i give it a questioning look again and all it says is "ask yourself"..

i stand there helpless and confused not knowing where to go...

i have to choose between the two...
the comforting security of the shadow or the silence of the light??
the familiar road i had once been or the bright path of which im clueless about??
the past that was or the future that awaits???

i close my eyes and stand rooted to the exact spot i am standing---not knowing what to do....
i hope the heavens above give me some sorta sign...that the 'great force' sends me some sorta signal...

with eyes shut tight, i try to focus my attention on the image forming in my head...
it is that of an 'hourglass'---probably life's way of telling me that im running out of time...
DISCLAIMER: this post is not written in a complete state of conciousness (thanks to the fever which has suddenly gone bad to worse in one damn day and managed to spoil all plans of the short holiday i was supposed to go for)..
so that leaves behind the following probabilities---
a) i get a 'high' outta depression sometimes and i dont even know it...the hangover results in such creations..
b) my past and future has a very blurred face (considering its tough recognising a 'shadow' and a 'glow')
c) my life till now has all been just a dream...
d) i am actively hallucinating...
e) all of the above...
and last but not the least,
f) none of the above..points a) to e) were afterall just 'your' imagination ;)

25 comments:

Abhishek Khanna said...

bheja fry .. to 7up try :D

Abhishek Khanna said...

btw take care of ur health.. beemar doctor.. sunne mein accha nahi lagta.. get well soon

Ankita Agrawal said...

Ditto!!
this is wat i feel..
To tell u ,i hav just got some last lines of ur post...as m out of my mind to concetrate and u'stand!!

www.enchantinganki.wordpress.com

Arv said...

Wishing a speedy recovery to you... and I so suffer from all those side effects too :P

please take good care and rest... cheers...

bhaw said...

It was nice!
Good play of words and imagination..
actually offcourse what you were trying to say ..but I felt like singing

Teri nigahein paa gayi rahe , par tu yeh soche..jaaon na jaaoon...

Love :-)

Phoenix said...

aww

*hugs*

get well soon pri!! :D

Pri said...

@ abhishke khanna
thanks :)
and tera bheja fry 7-up lene se bhi theek nahi hoga (just kidding!!):p
i have a feeling u hardly read the post...sirf attendence dene aa gaye :-/

@ ankita agrawal
hmm i read ur latest post..can understand (though u mentioned it being an old one)
neways hope things work out for u soon
take care and dont forget to smile :)

@ arv
thankyou..i hope i feel better too :)

@ bhaw
i shud mention a special thanks to you for this because it gives me a feeling that u actually are one of those few people who take time to read and understand whats being written and felt
(((hugzz)))

@ phoenix
thanks dear..nice to see u..hope u got about checking ur dedications on the last post :)

NE~ISM said...

Pri, I hope and pray for a speedy recovery. I am reading through the lines and I feel as if life is timing out on me also...

My imagination leads me to places I seem to not be able to reach at times. Not only is my shadow lonely the body that hosts the shadow is also!!

Get to feeling better!
Thanks again for hosting the dedications!

See you around!
Ne

Meera said...

Life is all about choices,but in the dilemna of staying with the past or going to the future,we tend to forget our present.
Get well soon Pri and when you are all high again,do visit my blog:)

Chriz said...

follow your dreams.. take where your heart takees you.. all the best for the future.. make your own road.. pri...

mayz said...

close ur eyes...go back to sleep...reality is harsh on d softness of dreams...

n u get a high outta depression...shhhh!!! dnt say these things aloud...even dreams run away hearin this!!!

The Rat... said...

blah.... have way thru d blog i tot that u r leavin blogesville again...

thupid doctor.. get well soon.. hallucinations are not good for health...

Nidhi said...

i get a 'high' outta depression ... happens,
but i get depressed i talk to bindas ppl :P

Pri said...

@ ne-ism
thanks for the concern nehya and ur most welcome for the 'dedication' bit :)
i can understand what u mean..sometimes we have the whole world moving with us and yet we feel lonely and at other times there is just this one person ad thats all we could ask for...

but neverthless u cheer up too and take care! :)

@ meera
u nailed it perfectly right gal! thanks for understanding me :)
will visit ya soon...

@ chriz
thanks chriz..im trying..but sometimes the dreams ur followig just dissapear after a while leaving u stranded...and thats the insecurity the future brings..
but on second thoughts the journey is worth the risk i guess :)
mixed feelings and thats y im stuck in between the past and the future (which again confuses me because that someplace im stuck at, calls itsself my 'present')

*smiles*

Pri said...

@ mayz
///close ur eyes...go back to sleep...reality is harsh on d softness of dreams...///
i would love to but im afraid if i sleep too long, the pillow of my dreams would be pulled away from me by the harshness of reality and i would only realise it when i wake up with a sprained neck :)

///n u get a high outta depression...shhhh!!! dnt say these things aloud...even dreams run away hearin this!!!///
if my dreams try running away after hearing that, then i will remind them to read the last point in the disclaimer and convince them that its just their imagination ;)
if they still run away from me, then il'l convince myself that probably they were never mine to begin with and so will never stay, no matter how much i try :)

@ the rat
why on earth wud i leave blogsville?????
did that sound like a 'goodbye' post to you? :o

@ nidhi
u mean when ur depressed u talk to bindaas ppl...hmm...i often talk to myself ;)
same differencei guess nahi? *grin*

sawan said...

what ever it is, i wud say that uve given words to a beautiful imagination! luvd the post.

get well soon.

Aparna Ravi Kumar said...

nice post to read... intresting..

(¯`•._.•[Raaji]•._.•´¯) said...

ahh... i can so relate to this :-)

Pri said...

@ sawan
im better now..thanks :)

@ aparna ravi kumar
thankyou ad welcome to 'nostalgic moments' :)

@ raaji
:)

Lena said...

thats why i never write when i feel unwell, who knows where it might lead me to :D
get well soon dear :)

Keshi said...

Ne how come u always seem to echo my feelings? WOW HUGS!


Pri HUGS to u too!


We hv been where u r.,.I take life one day at a time..sometimes 1 minute at a time! yes...thats how hard it can get sometimes. we r all hanging in there.

be well my dear. TC!

Keshi.

Pri said...

@ lena
well i write all the time...it helps capture what your feeling and writing only when ur happy would be soo unfair to me :(

@ keshi
trust me, im right there hanging with u :D
but on second thoughts, taking one day at a time makes perfect sense to me...afterall life hardly ever goes as planned so why plan?? :)

((hugz))

Keshi said...

good on ya! :)

*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Vandita said...

you shall cross the bridge when u get to it pri...
chill maadi :)

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