March 24, 2010
WARNING--'rebound thinkoholic' mode in progress
Today, for a brief moment i felt i could actually be living in an imaginary world...a world of make-believe where i understand everything and everyone the way i do, just because i believe..perhaps a bit too much at times
maybe i don't really 'know' anyone..perhaps what i know of them is just what i want them to be..
the thought was scary and it did make me nervous..what if i am understanding it all wrong? what if its nothing like i see it to be?
the people whom i have grown to like..the ones i have learnt to respect..to understand..to relate to..
and then ofcourse there is you!!
what will i do if i wake up one fine day and figure out that the truth is entirely different from what i thought it to be?? what if someone i have grown to love, depend and most of all trust is actually someone very very different from what i have 'assumed'?
and more importantly, i cant seem to reason out where this early morning thought actually stemmed from..
To me betrayal of trust is an awfully terrible thing...but my worst nightmare would be one in which i realise (god forbid it ever happens) that i have been cheating myself!
for a brief period today, i actually felt the nervousness i would experience while living a part of that nightmare.
have you ever felt this way?
this deep mixture of confusion, fear and regret brewing within you...as if pulling you into an endless abyss deepening the void which you thought had been actually filling up on its own, and hence making you realise that it probably never was!
the feeling that noone--not even the one person who knew you best would or could EVER understand you enough..the gnawing fear that perhaps you do not know 'the one' well enough coupled with the dissatisfaction that perhaps its better off this way as things might not be as comfortable if you actually did?
its not like i have never felt misunderstood..i have...but this was different...this felt different..this felt as if it was here to stay--forever!
since when did i start expecting the world to understand? is it me? is is you or is it just 'too many expectations' again?
things changed and then changed again and then went back to how they changed the first time around..
i shifted for being comfortable to being uncomfortable and then back to being comfortable (this time pretty much the 'floyd' way)
but now when i hear this disturbing rustle suggesting something in my soul is stirring, there is this strong overwhelming urge which just refuses to go away, telling me to stop..right here!
there is something in me that is acting stubborn..something which is trying to resist any further change--either forward or back.
everytime i am tempted into stepping a bit further, there is this weird kinda vacuum which pulls me back--bringing me to a state of equilibrium from where its rather tough to understand what i actually want..
Could it be that half of me is aware of and disapointed with the bubble i am living in while the other half is quite comfortable with life this way?
its probably the former which manages to keep me awake till the wee hours of morning wrecking my head with a thousand questions..while the latter prefers to stay oblivious of our conversations and enjoy beauty sleep..while i toss and turn all night trying to come up with suitable and justifiable answers.
and it makes me wonder how the realist in me can be sucha killjoy!! and why in hell does she have to be the only one around when crisis strikes, wagging her finger at me and singing 'i told u so' in that obnoxiously irritating manner??
Frankly, i have always been the kinda person who gets into something only when i am totally convinced and when i am, i get into it hook line and sinker..to some this might seem a passionate approach towards life while some just call me impulsively crazy..all my decisions have been taken that way..when i do get about deciding something and am totally convinced with myself, i throw in my 100 percent not quite thinking about the consequences.
but the tough part is knowing what i really want or perhaps knowing what i always will in the same crazy passionate way!
they say "when u gotta decide something, flip a coin..it doesn't decide anything for you but when its in the air, you know what you really want"
i tried doing that today.................but seems like this heart of mine has turned out to be quite a coward--too afraid to hope for anything!