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June 22, 2010

afraid!


im not afraid of heights, im just afraid of the fall...
im not afraid of the turbulent waves, im just afraid of my capacity to resist them...
im not afraid of the silence, im just afraid of the void it keeps deepening...
im not afraid to trust, im just afraid of how irreparably damaged i would be if let down...
im not afraid to walk together, im just afraid you might disappear around the bend...
im not afraid to cry, im just afraid of the world laughing at my tears...
im not afraid to dream, im just afraid of having to wake up...
im not afraid to love, im just afraid of not being loved back...
im not afraid of darkness, im just afraid of what might be hiding...
im not afraid of confrontation, im just afraid of being misunderstood yet again...
im not afraid of hanging on, im just afraid of living a lie...
im not afraid of letting go, im just afraid of leaving a major part of me behind...

and so,
i stay away from heights...
i run away from signs of turbulence...
i try to befriend the silence...
i turn away from trust...
i attempt walking alone....
i strive to hide my tears...
i lock my dreams away...
i shield myself from love...
i dare not explore darkness...
i hesitate to confront...
i am reluctant to hang on...
i am unable to let go...

my fears might be misinterpreted but i admit i am afraid...and that still makes me a coward doesn't it??!!

25 comments:

Deepak said...

i am afraid are u ok dear friend :-)

Vagabond said...

there are certain things, certain someone which/who can pull you out of the shackles, it can be you, it can be someone else it can be certain things...
hope you find it.

nicely put lines there..

Anonymous Someone said...

Its better to be afraid and admit it, rather than living a lie throughout the life. Fears once expressed, are easier to overcome.

Nice lines

Regards
Blasphemous Aesthete

(¯`•._.•[Raajii]•._.•´¯) said...

we are all afraid of something at some point in life. I suppose it is human nature. But I have learned that acknowledging your fears is the first step to actually overcoming them :-)

Anonymous said...

(im afraid 2...these are sum borrowed lines 4 u) :)

I'm afraid of what you'll say

I'm afraid of what you'll do.

Will you agree and stay,

or walk away confused?

I don't know where to start,

I don't know how to begin.

I'm afraid you won't understand,

and never come back again.

I'm afraid that I'll ruin,

our friendship and trust.

If I tell you my feelings,

that friendship may be lost.

I'm afriad to tell you,

about my feelings and beliefs.

Will you understand and agree,

and give me a sign of relief?

Or will you think I'm nuts,

and avoid me in the halls?

I'm afraid to tell you,

I'm afraid to fall.

Afraid of falling for you.

Afraid you won't care at all.

MangoManBunty said...

A suggestion: Can you please try to come out of the self pity mode? There is much more to you than it. (: (:

pri said...

@ mangomabunty
yr suggestion is not exactly valid...because self pity is not how i see it.
i use my blog to express my innermost feelings...my fears..my insecurities at times..and this is mainly an introspection of sorts...
sometimes i do write depressing stuff-some fiction, some real..but that is basically situation/life/mood inspired..and i would be a hypocrite to mask it even on something i consider a honest platform..
please understand that i do not write for an audience..most of the times, i write to vacuum my thoughts out and help me feel at peace with myself..

i remember u calling my blog 'mecca of self pity' sometime earlier.
but just like happiness, sadness is a part of life too...i have come to terms with the fact that this phase is going to come on and off in life and since i update my blog almost regularly, i cannot promise u only chirpy posts all the time..
besides its more that i tend to sieve out only the things which affect me nagatively and write about them, selfishly leaving out most of the happy times unshared and to myself..so do not judge me here..things are not all that bad as you might assume..
i am not on antidepressants ;p

sorry to dissapoint you though...but if u want to know me, i guess u will just have to deal with both sides :)

MangoManBunty said...

Ummm, alright then. Happy for you.

But all i meant was that while writing these kind of posts, while finding similes, while jotting down imagery in words, don't you force yourself to think a bit too much about the problem, thereby exacerbating the pain which would be comparitively easier to forget if you don't keep on making the post more picturesque?

I mean, its way better at times to vent out the bottled shit inside but you write so disturbingly beautiful stuff that it becomes a cause of worry.

Just a thought. Probably cryptic. Hope you understand.

Why would I get disappointed??

pri said...

@ mangomanbunty

///Why would I get disappointed??///
dissapointed because i dont think i can change..i would continue writing what i feel--happy or not :)

as for making the posts picturesque, i dont know wht you mean exactly..but its pretty effortless-somewht like u cant think any more of something u thinking all the time not to be confused with staying depressed all the time)..
wht i mean to say is tht, my problems just like my blessings, are a part of my life...are a part of me..and when one makes peace with that fact, i guess expression comes easy...

but rest assured, you dont need to worry for me.because even i have stopped worrying that much for myself..lol!

i guess blogging makes that possible!
thanks for the concern though..i do understand what you are trying to say :)

btw at the cost of seeming as if trying to prove a point, how come u never comment on my happy posts??
i think u missed a few updates but dont blame you-i update pretty regularly! :p

MangoManBunty said...

Hmm, chalo u get the big picture. If expression helps you so, carry on!!

And I try to comment on every post that I read in this world. I know what a comment means to a blogger. Not commenting after reading is like not doing your part after the pleasure that has been derived. So, I would have commented on "happy" posts as well provided they were not really long (i check the length first and then decide whether to read r not) and i did not fail to connect with them. (:

pri said...

@ mangomanbunty
well, like i said befor i do not write for an audience but yes cant deny the fact tht it feels great to know that people out there care to read you and exchange their views..
the reason why i asked you about not commenting on some posts while suggesting on others, is that your comments made me highly suspicious that u arnt aware of my 'manic' phases yet..so just thot of confirming! :p

pri said...

@ mangomanbunty
though have to admit confessing that you read based on the textual length does not speak very highly of you..
i guess i should count you out when my book hits the stalls :p

pri said...

@ deepak
yes please dont be afraid..i am okay..have made peace with myself a long time back.
now waiting for others (who matter) to make peace with me :)

@ vagabond
i like your perspective...but sometimes u make peace with the shackles instead of trying to break them..
i know it seems like surrendering to an easy way out...but till i find the strength to pull myself out, i guess it will do :)

pri said...

@ anonymous someone
i agree..waiting for that morning when i will no longer be afraid!
and until i gather the strength to fight them all, i will just learn to accept them as a part of me :)

pri said...

@ raaji
true!
i guess im working on it..though im still on the first rung of the ladder :)

Anonymous said...

no reply to my comment? :( :(

Choco said...

Read some of your comments to and fro with blunty...

I can understand your stand on it Pri. I have two blogs. For this very reason. The more popular one is the one with the light posts. That I cannot help but notice. The other one is for me mostly. Both are. But I need the other one cause one is never chirpy all the time and at those times if I try to be chirpy I will just end up dissing. Which is never nice to read later. Look at me rambling now! :) Sorry about that.

I came in to say that this post is beautiful. Touched so many cords with me. And am so glad someone else feels this way too. I tried to write something on the same lines yesterday afternoon, in my gloomy(?) :) blog but your post said it. And said it so well. I did not find it depressing. It takes guts and a creative mind to pen down ones thoughts so eloquently. Kudos!

MangoManBunty said...

@ Pri: Manic, eh. Some links, please! Would love to have a blast!

You know what, you can completely trust on me when your book hits the stalls that i will NOT read it. I DO NOT READ BOOKS. I am one of the most impatient readers in this world. The length of the blogpost exceeds a certain level: I do not even attempt reading it unless the intro is fantabulous!

Un-intellectual me!

pri said...

@ mangomanbunty
LOL!! i think u said it all..i need not say more ;)

santasizing...Fantasizing said...

loved it..honest open statements...i like!
though m not sure if its just a thought bubble or a state of mind?

pri said...

@ santasizing fantasizing
a little bit of both :)

@ choco
heyy please feel free to ramble.i love reading yr comments as much as yr posts :)
i like the idea of maintaining two blogs..but somehow i cant get myself to blog off 'nostalgic moments'..seems like im addicted to this space--over the years..
kinda feel connected to it! :)

and im glad u understand my need to speak my mind out..thanks for all the kind words :)

pri said...

@ anonymous
i didn't know i was supposed to reply to that!

Sapna said...

Superb Pri.. i love tis post... its been long since i visited ur blog... n feeling so gud tat i visited today:)

RamMmm said...

The Escapist???

nikita said...

amazing...

fears are our worst enemies...
they stop us from doing things we are capable of....

get rid of them..

we all need to get rid of them actually....