It is so intimidating when you are not able to do a simple thing the whole damn world can...
the deep sense of unfulfillment that you are haunted by, nothing can ever make up for it.
and then the myriad attempts to attain it and then the realisation that perhaps you are just not cut out for it...that no matter how much you try, failure is all you would encounter.
i guess my parents are to blame--when kids my age stuck their fingers in their mouth and blew hard making those shrill noises, my mom had been busy showing signs of disgust at their behaviour.
this, my poor brain picked up as something that mommy dearest thought as totally mannerless and hence socially not acceptable..which ofcourse is natural at that tender age, since we tend to believe that moms are always right--more because they keep telling you they are..sigh! (my mom however hasn't changed much in that respect but that anyways is another story)
being convent educated just made things worse.they taught us to say 'hail mary' and do the 'sign of the cross' and they made us attend mass and taught us quotes and verses from the bible and and somewhere in between all those morning assemblies and thoughts-for-the-day's, i started believing 'thou shall not whistle' to be one of the commandments (none of my catholic friends told me it wasnt..hmpf!) and that it would be a sin to disobey it..
and ofcourse good ol convent educated girls should not whistle--that was the norm...it was just not lady like--so they said! *yawn*
but then wishes die hard..you know how it is goes--the case of the forbidden fruit et all. (well, nobody had forbidden me from it per se..but i liked to imagine they had--i used my imagination for kicks back then)
i would still sigh when i saw someone whistle to call a cab or entertain a bored toddler..how i wished i could do that!
teenage years were a proud phase to be in..but i cannot deny the small pangs of jealousy for even the most 'vella' college romeos who flunked their subjects every year and bunked classes..everytime they would whistle some random bollywood number in the corridors, the ugly green monster inside my head kept screaming "SEE!! you good for nothing nut..even THEY can do it!!"
but even my battered self esteem and bruised ego did not manage to kill my fascination for the esteemed talent.
being a girl, i was kept being consoled that it was okay not to know hot to whistle..because it wasn't lady like anyway yada yada yada...but who cared??!
what was this big deal about being all lady like anyway?
my brain had already registered it as target and i had to prove the ego trampling voices in my head wrong.
and god was just not being fair---it wasnt like i planned to misuse the talent or something.
it would just be reserved for special occasiions like say--an ultra hot dude walking your way or perhaps an amazing designer outfit at a shopping arcade, the kind which just draws your breath away when you see the price tag until you can hold it no more without letting a small whistle escape your lips..sigh!
BUT ALAS!! :(
as i was dreaming, i realised that i probably would never be able to do all this in reality...damn!!
i became the butt of all jokes..i the cursed one--the one who couldn't whistle!
i tried learning. practiced sticking out my tongue, rolling it in back again, sticking in two fingers and blowing hard...to the extent that my dad once thought i was choking on my food and was all set to call up the doctor..that was when i had to confess my shortcoming to my family.
my family has never been cooperative though--esp my sis..instead of sympathizing with me, all she did was laugh hysterically at my earnest attempts.
but no amount of mockery could set me off my goal..i learnt to deal with that too.afterall what's a little family ridicule to interfere with the pursuit of my dream??
i wouldn't give up.i changed timings..hours of practice begun early mornings now.
i would wake up, brush my teeth and start my 'rhiaaz' every morning..i put in 100% dedication (i think i haven't put in so much effort even while studying in med school)
but i couldn't get anything more than a muffled whimper along with loads of wasted energy.
this went on for years..im not a quitter no..atleast not one who quits easily!
its a different thing that i still cant whistle but i have overcome the flying saliva and the facial distortions to a great degree. *goes red with embarassment*
but atleast now that yours truly is old and grey (*insert an hysterical bout of coughing to prove that point*) she can come up with better excuses and say its just not lady like to make such shrill noises in public.
i mean cmon have you ever seen a lady whistle..huh? huh??
just imagine..what would i have done if i was a guy?? i mean JUST IMAGINE!!!
with all due respect to the guys who do not know how to whistle, i would seriously have died out of shame..so there, im still better off aint i? *clings to the silver lining of the dark cloud*
i dont think i have ever in my life been happier being a woman..phew!
but you know how it is about self consolation..it doesn't last long..and everyone eventually does notice my grief stricken face reflecting my saddened spirit which has still not been able to let go of my inadequacy.
but its okay i guess..who said life is fair anyway?
afterall im just a mere human who has got to accept her shortcomings and move on in life, knowing that she will have to hit the grave with one major regret--that she never really could learn how to whistle! *sad music in the background please*
on that sad and wistful note,
im outta here!