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September 23, 2010

the misunderstood phoenix...

a strange sort of calmness envelopes her mind today...she cannot comprehend what it exactly is..nor can she say where exactly it is coming from..she does not even know why she is suddenly feeling this way..probably the happenings over the past so many days are finally taking a toll on her in this one mysterious way..but who is she to complain?

it is as if the mind is a clean slate with absolutely no regret of any kind on it..
all of a sudden, all the scribbles of hurt and pain are being washed away as if by a single clean sweep of magic.
She is experiencing a state of oblivion..and she has realised this time its going to last a while...because this time around, it feels like the whole world--although in a not so right way--has been helping her attain it.

selfish?? maybe!! but she seriously has had enough of trying to understand those who matter and still made to feel like it was her fault to expect the same..
how tough was it to understand that she is human too?? she has expectations too and when they are shattered, it hurts..
it pains her too when she is ignored, shunned and taken for granted..
she bleeds too when her words are misunderstood and misjudged..

and life has never been kind..
she's had to feel the muffled screams of her feelings when they were harshly made to choke to death..
she's had to face the winter she was thrown in when it was freezing cold...
she's had to hear the blunt use of carelessly hurled words which cut her deeper than the sharpest of knives...
she's had to see the closest of relations ripped apart and disposed off like chunks of rotten defunct garbage...
and then again, the good is hardly remembered..its always the mistakes that are never forgotten!

she is aware these moments will never completely disappear...each day after today, they will come back to her in bits and pieces--but the only difference is that it will not hurt anymore..she will no longer feel the warmth of tears running down her cheeks!

she is done with crying a thousand tears..she is done with dying a million deaths...she is done with having to be the only one who has to understand every single time...she is done with having to hear that she hasn't tried enough..

today, she has made a firm decision to start all over again..but this time around, she is keeping her ashes!!

(sidenote to readers: comments to this post have been disabled for obvious reasons..so please do not try to reach out to me regarding any of this--as this is just a much needed vent out, for me to get over and you to keep quiet about)