March 28, 2011
of colossal lies & modest goodbyes...
lies--it was funny how he would keep holding on to them.
sometimes she would wonder if he had forgotten what she had told him right at the beginning...
that all she wanted was the truth...that all she expected from him was to never lie to her...
that betrayal of trust was the only thing that could shatter her completely and break her off from him forever.
He knew how much she hated lies and yet, there was something which made him hang on to them.
Chances---chances are all she had kept offering.
Every lie he spoke, she smiled to herself with a tinge of sadness in her heart..'
Sometimes it made her wonder if he could be challenging her intelligence--because soon he even stopped weaving them well.
They had become more of a casual yarn thrown in her face, loose at ends, torn at the seams.
and that had made her wonder what kinda fool he must be thinking her to be---a fool in love?
At times, she was afraid that she would get used to this game he was playing..this game of make believe.
She was afraid of getting so used to these lies--she feared that perhapss she wouldn't know how to handle the truth when it came from him..
"and frankly is it not a lie in turn when i pretend not to see through them?" she would ask herself time and again.
It was this truth that would often keep her awake at night, staring at the ceiling wondering where exactly they had reached..
Why was she accepting something she hated so much---just because it was now a part of him--the man she loved?
She would often reason with herself in futility that these were small little things that she was overreacting about--maybe betrayal was too huge a word for these little white lies that he kept coming up with..
but the fact that this might have been just the beginning of the ugly end would gnaw at her mind and manage to steal whatever little peace remaining..
He probably realised the pain in her eyes every time she asked him for explanations..
but what he never realised was that every time he thought she believed him, it was actually just another chance to make things right.
A chance to start over new...
A chance not taken--as he continued to defend himself with another lie that she managed to see right through and yet pretended not to---just like always.
"Why??!!" she often asked herself..
because she did not have the heart to ask him this.
"You think i believe you.have blind faith in you..well, i did...not so long ago!!" she mumbled to herself as she felt a sense of numbness sweep over her.
She was tired now..tired of playing the fool hoping that someday he would feel guilty and come up with the truth.
that someday he would fall out of love with this game of deception that she had decided to let him play, thinking he would outgrow it on his own someday..
...that someday, he would realise she knew...always knew!!