turnoffs list #3---"there's something about facebook"

A friend of mine who knows me too well to know how much of a facebook addict i am, asked me to write about the annoying aspects of the network as a feature of the 'turnoffs' post chain i have on my blog.

Now for those who do not know of this existing trend on nostalgic moments and are wondering what we mean by the turnoffs series, its like this---sometimes when we feel extremely important and haughty, we like to believe we are the queen of may whom the world is trying extremely hard to please (for reasons unknown to anyone on the planet).And then we let our imagination run a little wilder and also complain and crib and nitpick about the things that put us off, all the while suffering from delusions of grandeur that there are millions of people out there reading us and treading on the path of self improvement while silently blessing us day in and out for our favour on mankind/woman kind alike.
Also when we have these bouts of excessive self confidence, we start addressing ourselves as "we".Sometimes we think it is our 'schizoid' personality at play, but our personal shrink has disposed it off as just a case of attention deficit.
Ofcourse we yelled out "off with his head" to an invisible guard in quite the psychotic style, to express our disappointment at his peasant like diagnosis, but he just proceeded to ignore and say that we are beginning to lack creativity and stealing lines from lewis caroll, thus bringing us falling from the throne, crown et al...sigh!

so after that little rant of madness we had up there, let us proceed with the point of the post (if there is any in the first place..or is there?)
ahhh..yes, facebook it is then!
*braces herself and counts one to ten*

now dont get me wrong..though im quite often found to haunt facebook much like betaal haunted the peepal tree, the truth is that nobody ever asked betaal what he did not like about it..maybe a sofa here, a little clearing of extra leaves, a little chopping down some branches, a rosewood coffee table there..err! (you get the drift?)

so when i was asked what i would like to change about facebook, i basically had just one thing to say (yea we are totally non fussy like that)---"FACEBOOKERS"
let me explain in point form what i find irritating about some facebookers, so that you busy creatures who hardly frequent my blog nowadays and have accidently dropped by, sit up and imagine this is serious stuff and take notice.


1) improper use of the 'like' option---Someone is burning with fever...someone has lost his car keys...someone just had a breakup and decided to update their status about it.
facebook is their way of getting over it perhaps---GOOD!
you are not commenting nor asking them how it happened---BAD!
you are instead 'like'ing their status message---FUGLY!

2) pics with self-distorted facial expressions---no! im not talking of bad photography skills or poor quality cams..i am talking about those 'i-am-so-kewl-i-dont-give-a-rats-arse-yo' wannabe's who deliberately put up a weird pic to show that they do not give a damn.
well, i wonder if they have ever considered the possibility of people like me who believe that they actually put those up because they know they cant look better and want the world to think that they can....hmmmm.
So the next time you put up a pic with squinted eyeballs with a tongue sticking out on one side and a hairstyle which could give einstein's fashion sense a run for his money, please continue---I YUM DIAGNOSING YOU!!!
On the flipside, portfolio pics have their own letdowns to offer.Formal behaviour scares me a little.

3) Food on facebook---if its something you have whipped up or a festive spread then that definitely is something you can be proud of.
but going to a restaurant and clicking pics of food and wine does not deserve any credit.In face in my opinion, going to a restaurant and clicking pics itself is a little strange.
ofcourse updating them on facebook (to top it, some do that with messy plates, half eaten stuff around...sheesh!) is a total different blasphemy altogether.

The polite way (if its soo important to you) would be to do a photo session after a good meal-that way everyone would be in a great mood as well (depending on the company that you are ofcourse) and you would be saved from the embarassment of the irritated glares of the waiters who cant help wishing you make up your mind over the damn menu, gobble the chow and raced back home, instead of delaying them over your petty facebook pic issues.
But ofcourse you'd never know that---because their rage and pent up frustration would be cleverly masked behind the wide molar to molar smile as they would politely offer to click a pic (and get over with it).
Afterall, you can never tell if they spat in the fresh basil pesto you ordered...the smile would remain right till you leave the place.

That was me digressing--but you would never be offered that pearl of wisdom if it wasnt for that. *glows with pride*

As for food pics on facebook, i think its no big deal..so why act like you are someone coming straight from somalia, new to those morsels of food all esctatic over seeing it?
(pretty much like those tourists who click pics of cows on indian roads)
but then again, its sometimes fun to see someone fussing over things like that.but i wouldnt be caught dead being that someone.

4) facebookshadi.com
This is what is done to those poor tortured souls who keep miles away from 'matrimonial aunties' and web based marriage services.Some distant relative or close kin is bound to direct people to the facebook account of miss/mr so and so and in will come emails requesting details and stuff.
Frankly i fail to understand how much one can gather from a profile pic and a few lines written as biodata for a social network? but i guess society like god works in weird ways.
Astill bigger turnoff is the aunty-uncle clan who are on facebook, mainly for the purpose of matchmaking.With no better thing to do, they befriend you---a harmless unsuspecting victim and then slowly but surely subject you to the torture of the apparently quintissential hypocritical 'saat phere-saat janam' concept they have in mind.

the best way to avoid these kinda friend requests is to put up the most ambiguous profile pics ever---better still would be pictures of a deserted beach or an eerie mountain place...or a cold winter (the more isolated the place, the better it is).You could alternate it with pictures of clumsy looking overweight toons like winnie the pooh, garfield or confused geniuses like calvin---a sure shot to keep them away from your profile by implanting the seed of doubt that you are either too kiddish or too crazy for a compromised situation like an arranged marriage.

There you go---yours truly has a quick fix to it all! tadaa!! (you are welcome)

5) supposed-to-be-friends who play 'dead'
You keep thinking that the so called friend is extinct on social networks until you notice that he/she is commenting and scribbling on all other walls except yours.
Well, the same goes for unanswered wishes, greetings, text messages and emails---if i dont receive a reply, its quite likely that you will never hear from me again.Not even the thought of you being run over by a bus or your facebook account being magically hacked will surface to mind--no not even for a second.

I believe in giving explanations to people who matter and i need them as well...thats just who i am...not even me can change that.

6) The 'Check out the rich me' attitude
Subtlety is an art, i say!
now maybe you can click a pic focussing on the bright red rose you are gifting your girlfriend while a hazy lamborgini stays parked waiting for you two to get in---you get the drift?
your friends on facebook are not visually impaired..they will notice the lamborgini.but the trick is you are not shoving it in their face (which by the way my friend is very 'looserish' and a big turn off as opposed to the former tactful charm).
What happens in the former case is that you present an illusion---an illusion that the rose and the girl matters more than the lamborgini.Its a different thing that you would rather get married to the latter if asked to chosse, but atleast your initial impression wouldnt be a let down and people (read 'me') wont think of you as an ass!

and with that, we rest our case...

7) why doll up dolls?
One of my friends has this absolutely adorable 2 year old who she dolls up with loads of makeup.When i first saw her pics on facebook, i was aghast.Each and every pic had a little bit of blush, lipstick, eye shadow, glitter and kohl.
Totally flummoxed, i called her up and asked her if she had used some photoshop application on the pics, to which she laughed and said it was makeup she was using.
2 years old and makeup??? i screached into the phone..and she told me that she had entered her baby in a kiddo beauty paegent which had first started the obsession and then she had started finding it so extremely cute that she would doll her up every now and then.
she further told me not to take it so seriously and check out how many 'like's the pic had got.
The pic had a whooping number of 312 likes and 150 comments..most comments read out "wowww" , "awesome" ," she's a total fashionista", "miss india" and the likes.not one had mentioned that she shouldnt have dolled up her baby like that.

I feebly clicked the 'like' option (out of fear that she did not take my lecturing the wrong way) and mentioned that she looked like an angel even without the makeup.but i felt like a hypocrite 'like'ing something that was a total let down.

Kids are best when they are treated as kids.
We dont need kidults---let their innocence thrive!

8) excessive pleasantries
you bitch behind my back---FUGLY!
you are still there on my facebook friend list though we hardly comment, like or acknowledge each other---FUGLIER!
you *mwwwaah*, *kucchus*, *hugggggg* me and i almost die out of shock every single time---FUGLIEST!
Seriously, why this kolaveri di!!! :-|

To sum it up, there are days...there are people...and there are days with people on social networking sites.
Like every other things in life, facebook too has its own set of 'good, bad and fugly' and like always we concentrate mostly on the blot on the canvas.(cmon guys, its the 'turnoffs series'..what do you expect?)
You do know that everything i write should be taken in tequila style anyway---with a dash of salt, a slice of lime and all in one shot ;)

All in all, i sheepishly confess that i am still very much a facebook addict.

Oh well, lets just say, i love to hate you! ;-)


SEASONS GREETINGS EVERYONE!!! ;)