lies--it was funny how he would keep holding on to them. sometimes she would wonder if he had forgotten what she had told him right at the beginning... that all she wanted was the truth...that all she expected from him was to never lie to her... that betrayal of trust was the only thing that could shatter her completely and break her off from him forever.
He knew how much she hated lies and yet, there was something which made him hang on to them.
Chances---chances are all she had kept offering. Every lie he spoke, she smiled to herself with a tinge of sadness in her heart..' Sometimes it made her wonder if he could be challenging her intelligence--because soon he even stopped weaving them well. They had become more of a casual yarn thrown in her face, loose at ends, torn at the seams. and that had made her wonder what kinda fool he must be thinking her to be---a fool in love?
At times, she was afraid that she would get used to this game he was playing..this game of make believe. She was afraid of getting so used to these lies--she feared that perhapss she wouldn't know how to handle the truth when it came from him.. "and frankly is it not a lie in turn when i pretend not to see through them?" she would ask herself time and again. It was this truth that would often keep her awake at night, staring at the ceiling wondering where exactly they had reached.. Why was she accepting something she hated so much---just because it was now a part of him--the man she loved?
She would often reason with herself in futility that these were small little things that she was overreacting about--maybe betrayal was too huge a word for these little white lies that he kept coming up with.. but the fact that this might have been just the beginning of the ugly end would gnaw at her mind and manage to steal whatever little peace remaining..
He probably realised the pain in her eyes every time she asked him for explanations.. but what he never realised was that every time he thought she believed him, it was actually just another chance to make things right. A chance to start over new... A chance not taken--as he continued to defend himself with another lie that she managed to see right through and yet pretended not to---just like always.
"Why??!!" she often asked herself.. because she did not have the heart to ask him this.
"You think i believe you.have blind faith in you..well, i did...not so long ago!!" she mumbled to herself as she felt a sense of numbness sweep over her.
She was tired now..tired of playing the fool hoping that someday he would feel guilty and come up with the truth. that someday he would fall out of love with this game of deception that she had decided to let him play, thinking he would outgrow it on his own someday..
...that someday, he would realise she knew...always knew!!
I, pri, in my lifetime so far, have had the oppurtunity to talk to many a lunatics---some institutionalised (just in case you are wondering, they weren't my inmates.In my defense, i must tell you that i have worked as a resident doctor in a psychiatry institute and hence the experience) and some who were not (the world is no less than an asylum, innit?) Anyhow, coming to the point of the post, here is an excerpt from an online conversation i recently had with one such non-institutionalised lunatic friend. Please note---In case i dont live to see the light of day after this, please know that it was a MURDER!! *looks around nervously* --------------------------------------------------- (me logs in) me: YO!!!!!! friend: whoaa!! you scared me me: tht's nothing i can rotate my head 360 degrees as well haven't you seen me in 'the exorcist'? friend: dat ws YOU?? 9:24 AM me: u dint know??!!!!!!! :o friend: damn! i should have..you looked so natural! me: huh? whatever do you mean by 'looked'? i WAS NATURAL! it was a 'no makeup thingy' 9:25 AM friend: you dont need rear-views in ur car den me: who said i have them? you arn't the only genius around, you know...i got there first!! *does a quick victory dance* 9:26 AM me: infact i dont even need a car most of the time...its only those days when i dont feel like flying..otherwise the broom usually manages that. friend: on ur broomstck? me: duh! wasn't tht obvious? friend: ya ya 9:27 AM friend: so you go out on nites den? me: hellooo...i need my beauty sleep u know or how else am i supposed to manage such killer looks i fly during THE DAY!! friend: hmmmm.. 9:28 AM friend: u must be giving d poor birds a heart attack me: nawww...the pet vultures manage all the small stuff im IMPORTANT! 9:29 AM friend: n they must be the ones bringin u your supper me: well, i usually pick on dumb humans and chew off their brains on gtalk friend: or do u prefer human food?? me: ohh wait, correction --dumb humans who are too excited to even read wht is typed friend: got it got it me: phew...finally!!! 9:30 AM friend: u dint like my brains? they still r thre they taste awful dont they me: they are?? man!! seems like i missed them ...for nothing! i should use my microscope next time friend: oh yes what ws i thnking? me: ok ok enuf of crazy talk..im bored! :-/ friend: phew u r bored of battering me down? thngs have chnged me: did i do that? when? how? why? friend: hmmm thngs reallly have chnged 9:32 AM me: hmmm...really? i dont like changes unless they are pleasant ones ofcourse but you know uncle murphy, always howering around making sure they most often never are...so there! neverthless, you got any pleasant changes for me? 9:33 AM friend: yes, am back online me: *all eager waiting with bated breath* friend: dats a change me: i repeat u got any pleasant changes for me? and stop trying to change the topic like that :-/ friend: mmm... nope 9:34 AM me: yea...shud have known BORRIINNGG!! :-/ i think i shud buy a vacuum cleaner..im getting bored of flying on the broomstick hmmmm 9:35 AM friend: I HAVE NO IDEA AT ALL ! me: that way i could fly faster and disappear to haunt interesting humans instead. what say? and DONT U DARE YELl AT ME! friend: never tried...have been walking since the day i was born me: *yawn*..nvm! i gottago..im sleepy. friend: ok.hope i dont see u again. me: HAH!! as if your hopes have ever been fulfilled. over and out!! :D friend: over and out!! ------------------------------------------------------------------ (me logs out) (friend logs out) ------------------------------------------------------- Frankly i share this kind of comfort level with only a very few friends. these are the kind of friends, you know you can talk to even on the toughest days without the fear of hurting them with the hatred you have developed for the world. these are the kind if friends that can make your troubles seem light even without actually knowing any details, who do not mind being your punching bag at times, because they know you would do the same for them.. they understand you, irritate you, irk you, pester you and love you all the same. they are not the prim & proper agony aunts (read 'shrink') who make you lie on the couch and offer advice in 30 mins sessions..not at all!! rather they are more of the "shaddup and get over it" types, who try to distract you off your woes by telling you how silly you look crying.
So sharp is their sarcasm and mock hatred towards you, that you forget what you are sulking about and get engaged in their cynical battle of wits, instead.
While most people are just too normal to tolerate my twisted sense of humour, (their loss i say), these necessary evils, are the few blessed souls who share my insanity and respect it and im thankful to life for them *makes a straight face* To sum it all--no cliched sentiments...no pleasantries..no candyfloss conversations. and yet i cant help but say---"tu hain toh il'l be alright" :)
Im honoured that blogjunta.com has selected my post as their editors choice..thankyou!!
"We've gone our own ways and I know its for the best, but sometimes I wonder will I ever have a friend like you again?"
A long time ago, i had written a post for someone---honest to the core and true to the T. This someone was and hopefully still is, a very good friend..one who does not read 'nostalgic moments' much nowadays though. So anyhow, as i was saying, the post i had written was and will always remain one very close to my heart. I had preferred not disclosing any name there but every single line of that post was inspired by him, on how much i valued his friendship. Much to my surprise, i received an sms that very same evening asking me point blank if it was him that i was talking of, in the article.
Its weird isn't it how we take so much care to wrap up things in loads of coloured paper and how it is always exactly that someone whom we are hiding it from, that comes and sees right through it? It is somewhat like you are trying to conceal a zit with loads of makeup on your face and someone who you least want to notice it, walks right up to you and casually points it out asking "heyy is that a pimple?"
I remember how flustered it had got me. Clueless how to react, i'd wondered on whether i should reply or not. not replying would just confirm his doubt and the idiot would realise how much our friendship meant to me. so as usual i'd laughed it away with dry humour telling him he was not that important. Conversations were a daily part of our life back then--a routine..and the post was pretty much about the same. Infact, thinking of it, i do not even recall what it was that had made me lie. Was it the embarrassment of writing about a friendship which i feared might have been much too random to him than to me? or was it the fear of complicating things and creating hurtful misunderstandings due to what might have been a few carelessly thrown unintentional literary exaggerations?
What was it that had made me hide behind that cover of undisclosed writing which for the first time, i wasn't prepared to take responsibility of explaining?
Today, i stumbled upon that post again---looking at me as if with a sense of betrayal, and got transported back to those times. Today, life is no longer the same.We hardly catch up on friendly banter nowadays. We are much too caught up with our own lives, fighting our own battles. I though, sometimes still search for the reason i ran away from confronting his question that day. and even today, i find myself with no answer.
All i know is that there is still that something which keeps me away from pressing the 'send' option on my cellphone screen.
...and the text gets saved in my draft folder yet again "that post i had written--it was you i was talking about :)"
As life goes on, some friendships fade for no apparent reason!!
Disclaimer---the story below is purely just another work of fiction. She would still wake up drenched in cold sweat every night.she had tried repressing the memory but it would just not cease to haunt her. somewhere in one corner of her mind, he had etched a permanent place--a place which she refused to let anyone take.. It was like as if he had carved his niche..as if he had reached an unattainable target, a pedestal and then one day, just disappeared, making everyone else seem so inadequate. It was not that she was perfect..nor did she expect things way out of league. Infact she did not even know what she expected from life most of the times.People who knew just this side of her thought of her as undecisive..as someone who always quit too early. some thought she could not ever make up her mind about anything.
"Why did you have to be so perfect?" she would often ask crying, searching through the darkness of the pitch black night for an answer. She had tried forgetting him.she had tried moving on.But every time someone tried to fit in the cast, the void just grew deeper..as she realised that it was irreplaceable. and then she'd feel guilty. "what right do i have to compare? and is it fair to compare someone to you?" She knew he had moved on..she could never reach him.
but she----she still struggled to find pieces of him in every special person trying to enter her life, until a point where she gave up because she realised that they could never make her feel as special....as special as he did!
Why did he have to leave? She remembered not wanting to wake up.She would lie in bed hoping that he would surprise her with a weekend visit. She waited endlessly for his call. Even now, she would rush to answer the landline hoping it would be him.
She had given up on letting the memories ever fading away...given up on making herself believe that he never existed....given up on blaming him for that one drastic event which had ripped her life apart.
Some blamed the drunk driver who did not see him coming. Some claimed the brakes had failed. Whatever might have had been the reason, it was her life which had been put on hold since that fateful day.
They said she was lucky not to have been with him during the accident.What they weren't able to see was how much she had wished she was.
life had lost its reason..and all she was waiting for now was that one meeting which was still pending---perhaps in another world..a world she looked forward to enter... .. ..... .......... ............ .................. because she believed!!
...True love stories begin in one life and continue in the next...
As i watched the happy faces of the kids on the merry-go-round, it made me wonder--is going around in circles always this much fun??
Life is pretty much like the carousel most of the times. Its just that we keep forgetting that its an amusement park that we are in. Its just that we complicate the carousel ride with a lot of unnecessary details. Its just that we keep moving three steps ahead and two steps behind in the whole damn process.
Job pursuits, career aspects, the constant search for happ(y)ness, the idea of a perfect relationship---they keep eluding us all the time and most often, we as humans, keep missing out on the thrill of the chase in the hope of the destination.
Consider ourselves in any situation--- we fall by fate or destiny, unaware of what lies ahead... we stumble on chances... we brace ourselves... we enter at our own risk... we tread with caution... we walk with dreams in our head... we stomp with new found confidence... we twist to adjust to circumstances... we jog to reach a little faster... we turn when faced with crisis.. we skip a step to avoid confrontation... we sprint as we reach closer... we pause to then contemplate on what we really want... we squirm as we realise how much we have lost out on... we hide for we feel the need of time on our own... we flee to escape from everything for a while... we zoom past the journey in hindsight... we fly as we realise the joy we had experienced... we soar in the pride of what once was... we fear we might have lost it all... and then we fall..again only to find ourselves back to exactly where we started...
My chain of thoughts was interrupted as i saw a five year old scampering for yet another turn on the merry-go-round, squealing with joy, as it started revolving again.
I watched the happy faces of the kids on the ride and couldn't help but smile at their innocent free spirited attitude. On the way back home, i searched the streets in the hope of spotting the same kind of enthusiasm in atleast one person around me. but all i could see were the tired grownup faces running silly in this race of life...
I guess, some games change their meaning over time. I guess, circles do not allow us to move ahead--they just keep getting us back to the starting point.
but life, like they say, whether we like it or not, always comes full circle!! :)
a million questions in my head, which only you can answer... one moment you seem infront of me, and the next moment you are gone... i continue to stare in empty space, without a single assurance from your side...
there is this small flickering hope alive, which burns me everytime i hold it near... scalded hands is all i get, but some wounds i hold too dear... a million questions in my head, which only you can answer...
when you are around i feel happy, when you are not, i wait... hoping im just not aware of your presence, i continue to delude myself... those times when reality sinks in, i realise maybe you have never been around... what if it is but a misinterpretation, just a mirage i was tempted to believe... in realisation i shed silent tears, ive been the fool again... a million questions in my head, which only you can answer...
To drive them all away i try, into a secret box up there... locked with a promise never to open again, but catch up with me, they always seem, as i stand near the box unaware...
seeping through the narrow creaks, they encircle to tie me around... helpless i try to let myself loose, but the more i try, the more im bound... and then a voice from the box asks, "do you really wanna let go?" and i stand wideeyed without an answer, because perhaps the answer to that is 'no'... a million questions in my head, which only you can answer...
you are the gust of wind that can never stay, no matter how much i want... you are the twinkle of the bright lit star, and you will disapear when its dawn... i can never be sure its you again, you are the mysterious phantom with a mask... to say what i feel i sometimes fear, because shunned you may just disappear... a million questions in my head, which only you can answer...
i cant figure what you are afraid of, you leave me doubting myself... is my heart playing tricks again? letting me believe what i want to?
but there is a strange solace within my soul, that the gust of air is you... that the twinkle of the star is you... that the phantom in the mask in you... but a deep remorse lies somewhere too, why cant the gust of wind blow me away? why cant the twinkle of the star light up my day? why cant the phantom in the mask give me a cue? why cant this friendly stranger just tell me its 'you'? a million questions in my head, which only you can answer...
A shocking 8.9-magnitude earthquake hit off the east coast of Japan yesterday. The quake is known to be one of the largest in recorded history. It triggered a 23-foot tsunami that smashed Japan's coast and killed thousands of innocent people, sweeping away cars, buildings, boats and houses.
The world stands shocked and helpless..
Is this, nature's sign to warn us that 'Nostradamus' might just be proved right, yet again?
Last night, i got a text from a friend saying that she had finally spoke to her ex after a whole month of awkward soul shattering silence. It was just a couple of days back, that she spent hours on end, telling me that she needed to convince herself that it was all over---that they were no longer together. She had been avoiding him like the plague, not visiting his usual hangouts from fear of confrontation, not glancing in his direction even if he was standing miles away and had pretty much sworn off all guys after that relationship had ended.
So, after another close friend convinced her to speak to him and settle the issue for good, she had finally agreed. I, for one was not too sure how it would go..but as a friend, i too agreed that she should have a final confrontation with him if it helped her move on from what was, pretty evident to all of us, a dead (would refrain on saying anything more on it here) relationship. She said she would try.and hours later, this was followed by the text i received from her yesterday.
I called her up and she hurridly answered the call, the enthusiasm clearly reflecting in her voice She told me that the conversation apparently had gone rather well..and i knew right there, where this was going..the quest for closure had ended with a few eluding words suggesting that he missed her like crazy (or so she heard him say).
"but i thought you wanted closure?" i asked her. "ofcourse silly, and ive got it..we are just 'friends' now, just like how it was at the start" she gushed with excitement akin to a fat kid who had accidently discovered a big bar of his favorite chocolate in the fridge---the one he'd thought he had already eaten.
yes, strange are the ways of love...and stranger still is, the predicament it makes us humans face. We keep searching for closure all the time. We keep seeking answers when given a chance. We never give up on expecting explanations. We are constantly looking for clarity--the clarity of black & white amidst the broken pieces of coloured memories.
but last night made me think... Is searching for 'closure' just an excuse we keep making to ourself to relive a few precious moments once again? Is the chance of an 'explanation' almost always given with the hope of an apology and a want to start all over again? Can you still be 'just friends' with an ex? Can 'just like before' ever really start all over again and if yes, then how long before it crumbles? Can that last conversation really happen without any mudslinging, raised expectations, fake pleasantries and bitter feelings? and more importantly if it does happen, then does it really help get over things?
I said a quick bye and ended the conversation---i did not want any of my pessimism rubbing onto her.
Afterall, here was someone who claimed to have found closure over something that was closed quite a while back... and then ironically, there was me...who kept wondering why everyone can't be just that lucky :)
Anyways, ending this on a positive note... until we meet again, cheers!!
Remember the time you grazed yourself and went rushing to her, soiled uniform, bruised knee, teary eyed et al...and her one hug eased all the hurt?. She had carefully washed and cleaned the wound and every time you had winced, it was she who had felt the pain. Those bedtime stories, those homework sessions, that yelling you later got immune to? DO you still remember those days? just feels like yesterday doesn't it?
and then you grew up... grew older and slowly drifted away. Yeah, sure there were times you still got hurt, bruised yourself physically as well as emotionally, but it felt awkward asking for a hug. you dint want to be labeled mama's boy...and she, this time she was hurt..but she never complained.
and today??? you cant recall the last time you called her up without a reason.you have to be reminded of her birthday by your secretary or cellphone reminder..and then you call, your voice reflecting the guilt when you say that 'happy birthday mom' to the woman who always called you at midnight on your birthday till u started switching off your cellphone because you did not want to be disturbed. but despite everything,she is still there for you..always has been & always will be, even though you may now be miles apart from her, settled in a new home...married...wife...kids...busy!! somewhere you know, one call is all it will take...
dont you think you are taking her for granted?
Rremember the time she was angry with you for not buying her a 'rakhi' present?. that day she threw that tantrum and said that she wouldn't tie you the rakhi unless you got her that dvd collection you had promised??. those playful arguments you had which often led to fist fights?. the times she protected you from your dads wrath when you got your reportcard??. all those times you would fight like kids who had to be pulled off each other by mom? that day you had confided in her about your college crush? those times she pulled your leg about telling mom of the girl who called up and spoke hours on phone with you? the first time you realised how much she meant to you when you couldn't stop yourself from crying softly, the day she got married and went away from home to start off a new world, leaving a void in your heart everytime you entered her empty room?
she is still there for you--sending you that rakhi every 'raksha bandhan'..praying for your safety...telling her kids glorified stories about her kid brother...and somehow still always defending you just to put you in good light no matter what anybody in her new world might say.
Remember the times she helped you with your homework back in school just to prove herself plain smarter??. yeah, the same girl who you would never allow to join in your play group because u felt she was just too girly and you couldn't dream of being known as her friend?? the one you hated only because she was a 'girl'...remember?? and then one day, you suddenly stopped hating her and her kind. you suddenly felt a strange kinda shyness to pull at her pigtails. All of a sudden the 'boys versus girls' gang fights stopped, the awkwardness developed, politeness and mannerisms stepped in. She was transformed from rowdy to coy, you changed from pesky to boyish... and there somehow your heart skipped that beat! The boy and girl gang shook hands for the first time, and even before you could realise what was happening, she had become your best friend...or rather your very first 'girl-friend'. You hardly knew the seriousness of the term back then. All you knew was that, she was a girl and she was your friend and that made her your 'girl friend'...and somehow it felt good. You felt special and so did she--the magic of 'tom sawyer' and 'becky'!!
and years went by, you had to change schools, her family moved, shifted to another town. You two promised to stay in touch but lost contact sooner than you thought---that always happens doesn't it?
and today??? you still remember her sometimes..and perhaps, she does too. Maybe she is married..maybe you are. but when you see those school kids walking down the road hand in hand with innocent grins pasted on their faces, somewhere a face comes to mind--the same coy face with pigtails, and even though its been over 2 decades,not once has the face changed to something more mature than that.
ohh remember her?? your college sweetheart.the one you had a crush on but never managed to gather the guts to confess? the one you used to wait back for after every tuition class just to watch go home with friends? That day she dint attend class and you ended up pestering everyone around you, worrying what could have happened. you do remember right?? hmmm...but do you remember there was this other girl in the same batch who used to watch you silently and blush, who you would always ask for notes and she would never refuse even though there was an exam the next day?? the one who worried her heart out when YOU were absent?. the one you carelessly ignored during 'fun week' because you were too busy ogling at 'miss oomph'? you remember her, dont you?? well, she noticed all that and walked away with tears in her eyes never to speak to you again.
and today??? so many years after college, though 'miss oomph' must not even know if you are alive or not, that someone you had once ignored might be thinking of you and smiling at the naivity of those teenage years...at the innocence of love or what she thought it to be then...and somewhere someday you too might have wished you hadn't ignored her that much.
Remember the day you first met her?saw her at a friend's wedding and thought she just wasn't your type-whatever that means? It was later that you two spoke to each other and something changed. you started liking her as you got to know her better? and that's how it all started... two phone numbers exchanged and months of incessant conversations followed.
and today??? she is sitting beside you and watching tv as you smile at those memories and surprise her by suddenly pulling her towards you & giving her a hug. she blushes and smiles with a raised eyebrow and interrogates what you are surfing to cause such a reaction..and you grin and say "for all those times".
yes, that girl you met at your friends wedding eventually ended up being the girl sitting beside you for yours.
Remember the day your wife announced she was pregnant with your first born? Remember how happy you were when after 9 months of waiting. you saw her face for the first time...sleeping peacefully in her cradle? the time you couldn't stop those big fat tears of joy from running down your cheeks when she first called you 'da-da'? Remember that joy you had felt when she walked for the first time? --how she held tight to your little finger as if she would never let go. and then....she grew older, you got busier. you wanted to make more money--for her ofcourse..for her future...for her to have a secure life. yeah, you were doing it all for her.but didn't you realise how much she missed having her daddy around to play with, to throw her up and catch her as she giggled like he used to? Didn't you realise that all she wanted, was for him to take some time and take her to the park, get her back from school like all the other daddies did?
and today??? When she is having the life you always wanted her to have...a secure future...the comfort you always wished she would get, why is that you wish she would come and sit with you for a while and laugh like she used to when she was a kid? Why do you want her to leave her friends and go with you for a walk in the park?? and most of all, why cant you just face her eye to eye and tell her just that?
guilty?? that she'll ask you why you weren't there when she needed you the most?
but you do know right, that somewhere all it would take is one word of affection--one heart to heart talk, just one father-daughter conversation to get her to say that 'i love you dad' you'd last heard when she was a kid, just because u were always too busy to hear it since.
Have you been ignoring the women in your life?? neglecting them? how much could you relate to this post?? If you could, then its time you realised something. Probably your mom is still waiting for that one call. Probably your sister is still expecting you to drop at her place for raksha bandhan, not for the gift but for that fist fight she misses. Probably your best friend still google's up your name in the hope that she might track u someday. Probably that girl from college is still thinking of you and wondering why she just wasn't 'good enough'. Probably your wife is still smiling at those memories of your 'courtship period' wishing it would be the same again. Probably your daughter is still waiting for her 'da-da' to ask her to join him for his evening jog.
ITs never too late..for people who still love you. So go right ahead! show them you still remember... show them you still love them... that you still care..and that you always will!
here's wishing all the girls in and around blogsville, A VERY HAPPY WOMAN'S DAY!! :)
P.S: im not going to be around for a week or so..will be back here by the 20th..till then, stay happy & miss me loads!! ;)
Sometimes i wonder what it must be like, coming here, reading my posts and going away silently--without a word? sometimes i wonder if you mind doesn't compel you to break free from these shackles of confinements and post in your reaction?
Sometimes i wonder what it is that really holds you back? Is it the length of the posts, that keeps you away from reaching the end and so not commenting? or are they too boring? *goes into 'drama queen' mode* Is it the lack of time, that you have just about enough to visit and read this space ardently everytime a thought is posted, but not enough to comment? is it the small ugly feeling in that dark corner of your heart which says "what the hell!! why should i make her feel important by showing that i read her?"? or worse still, is it the "i dont have anything to say" syndrome which some rather unfortunate people suffer from?
so now you know what ive been thinking of you----you, yes you, on my online tracker, who reads and silently leaves without a word? Just for your information, i still think what you would want to say, still wonder why you dont say it, still get happy thinking that you visit and read (even if you dont) and still write for myself and you...err..more for myself & less for you, but what-e-ver, feel important!! :-/ so it only makes sense that you go right ahead and say what you want to, without the fear of being judged.
my posts are open to criticism too, so feel free..just dont be mean, cos you know that two can play that game. *winks* if you think differently, go right ahead & express yourself..you might help me grow up in the process and i would be thankful. if you think alike, you can ofcourse talk too..you might help me feel less alone in the crowd and i would be grateful. Whatever you might think, i would love to know your reaction.
Having said all this, i would like to add that this blog is not a piece of creative fiction nor is it a personal diary, as you might have already noticed. i am not here to collect compliments or applause at what i write..so this post should not be taken as a desperate attempt to increase comment counts or sympathy votes.neither am i here, to cry or spill out emotional rants and ask for a shoulder of support.In fact, ive started this space just to save you all that torture :-|
im here just to share my thoughts, know yours and learn something from my journey.
so here's to all my 'silent' readers, who i wish would speak up, REMEMBER, I'LL BE WATCHING YOU!!! ;)
I was talking to one of my professors, the other day. He was explaining a concept to me, when all of a sudden, he chose to digress.
Me, was all ready to point out and tell him to stick to the topic..but the small voice in my head reminded me that i have a pg exam to give and a viva to answer.So it was best that i lend him a patient ear and let him digress wherever he wanted to.
Minutes later, i was glad that i had spoken to him. Dr mohan had left me with pearls of wisdom that i couldn't possibly have found anywhere else except from a man with his caliber of experience and wisdom.
While speaking to me about the hurdles in his life and how he had faced them, he said something which managed to create an impression which is to stay in my heart forever. "dr, there are four kinds of people in life. one who see a closed door and go away. a second type who see a closed door and try to open it by turning the knob, which if still doesn't open makes them go away. the third type consists of those people who see a closed door, try to open it by turning the knob, if it still does not open, they search for the key.and if they cant find the key, they go away. and then there is a fourth type, the type whom i respect and follow----these people see a closed door, try to open it by turning the knob..if it still does not open, they search for the key. and if they cant find the key, they dont go away, THEY MAKE ONE!!"
His words made me wonder how many times i have seen a closed door and gone away, thinking that it would never open. how many times have i given up too soon? or rather how many times, have i stood in front of a closed door, waiting for it to magically open on its own, without me trying at all?
is 'giving up' a matter of convenience? is fate/destiny/luck just a stupid excuse we keep making to ourselves just so that we dont really have to put in the effort?
Here was a 68 year old man standing infront of me, who had struggled his entire young life, trying to beat the odds.and the truth of the matter was that, he still hadn't given up. "i lost some, i won some" he said to me, without a single tinge of regret on his face, without a single crease of worry on his forehead.
and within 45 minutes of my life, dr mohan had changed from a mere medical professor to a unbeatable hero, who in my opinion, even though might have had lost a few battles, is definitely winning the war. There are stories all around me just waiting to be heard.. there are lessons all around me just waiting to be learned!!
Whoever thinks, a picture speaks a thousand words, must definitely come and have a look at the ones i shoot.
I have always envied people with good photography skills. I though, blame it entirely on my genes. yea, you read right, its my 'genes'..noone and i mean NOONE, in my whole extended family is blessed with 'photography' skills.
My dad and mom always manage to click pictures in pieces.so that means we are left with loads of throwaway pics showing just the top of the Eiffel Tower, the dome of the Taj Mahal, animals with an ear cropped, humans with one hand or leg missing and so on. My sis though is a little better.She manages to get 'entire' people and architectural monuments in the frame..its a different thing that the picture turns out so unclear that you can hardly differenciate the former from the latter. I have a cousin who uses a nikon SLR but whose shots are mistaken for two megapixel phone-cam quality, another who has a penchant for taking pics in the worst angle possible, making every single flaw (in the model as well as the surrounding location) 'distinctly' evident, a third who gets more conscious while taking pics than when her pics are taken (end result---a picture that appears as shaky as her hands that click it)........and then again, the list doesn't just end there.
so you see where i come from..a family which just isn't cut out for photography even if the world depended on it.sigh!
but i, my dear friends, am no quitter, no!! *gets all emotional* I will try till i die...err..ahem..or something to that effect.
Everytime i see someone showing off some awesomely clicked pics on facebook or some social bragging networking site, i am filled with a deep sense of inadequacy of a talent i so admire and yearn for........along with *brace yourself* a new found enthusiasm to try all over again.
so off i go, clicking the setting sun, the flight of a stupid crow, the tail of a moving cat, the flame of an illuminated lamp, the wick of a burning candle, the fluidity in a goblet of wine and eventually, the expression of a dejected wannabe photographer who swears she will never give up.
yea, i must have been a spider in my last life, the one that king bruce saw!! :-/
There is this small part within every single one of us that craves to be fed..that yearns to be satisfied and ironically never is. It makes me wonder how much is actually enough for the human ego to reach its 'satiety' point?? Its a simple logic----i feed your ego, you like me..i hurt it and you hate me like there is no tomorrow. so where does the truth stand in all this pampering? or does it really have a place at all? I have ended up unknowingly experimenting along those lines and judged reactions..many a times, i have gone right ahead and blurted out the truth, just to see what really matters. and as expected, have felt the vibes of hatred towards my frankness steaming in my direction? 'your makeup is too loud today' i once told my friend when she asked me how she looked..she gazed into the mirror and did what she thought was 'toning it down' and asked me if it was okay..to which i gave her an honest answer and told her it was still looking a little garish and that she should opt for milder shades. Little did i know then, that i was hurting her ego. It was only when she started dripping sarcasm for a good consecutive five days after the episode that i actually realised where it was coming from.
Today a friend asked me if he had done the right thing pertaining a particular situation regarding his ex..he said he wanted to know a girls perspective on it and that i should be honest. When i obliged and told him what i really thought about it, he logged off saying that he wasn't in the mood to talk any further.
so u see how it goes, i agree with you, compliment you, support you irrespective of whether i think its right or wrong and you will like me.. If i am honest, i end up hurting your sentiments. EGO i have realised, is one of the most dangerous of human emotions. Its not that i haven't fallen prey to it myself, i have too. It spares noone and ends up destroying the best of relationships. Pride keeps interfering and keeps us away from confronting the issue and sorting out the problem. we wait for the other to take a step forward which is what the other waits for too---end result, an issue which is never sorted, an intact ego and ironically, a relationship left in broken pieces, which are impossible to put together. and then again, there is the convenience with which we label the demon as 'self respect' when it comes to our own self and 'super-ego' when it comes to others----mere self consolation which we hope will last us a lifetime, to save us the guilttrip.
but i ask, is it really worth it??
ego...the reason apologies are not given! ego...the reason why the silence keeps growing! ego...the reason the void continues to deepen! ego...the reason we misunderstand without knowing!
ending here with a quote my school teacher had penned down in my autograph book, ages ago, an advice i still hold very dear---- "in life, don't be like the oak tree..it is tall & mighty but trees get uprooted during storms..instead, be like the blade of grass, bending yet never breaking"
o' lovely maiden with skin so fair, we two make such a handsome pair... i have gazed long enough & admired thee, and thy pristine beauty has enchanted me...
you oh you, are all i have dreamt of----
the curve of your lips the sway of your hips the twinkle in your eyes the charm in your sighs that straight pretty nose great poise with which you pose your smile like moonshine bright, can sparkle up the darkest night the frills of your dress your delicate soft caress your touch as smooth as silk your skin so white as milk your tresses so straight and long your voice, a nightingale's song
you oh you, are all i have dreamt of!!
o' lovely maiden with skin so fair, i softly tread into your lair... i hear you whisper to a kin, and tell her what a fool ive been...
my eyes gaze shocked at your pretty sight, as i hear you ridicule my lovelorn plight... you scorn and laugh and mock with glee, and all at once, my heart loathes thee...
o' lovely maiden, with skin so fair, your looks are all that you have there... with tainted tears and shallow pride, you confess to me that you have lied...
o' lovely maiden, with skin so fair, save those tears for i dont care... you fall to your feet and apologise, but the love has vanished from my eyes...
in them now you will only see, the pure hatred i have for thee, you ask me what is it you lack, darling, its your soul that's black!
(inspired by a conversation i had with R, on the topic of love, beauty and betrayal)
What does it take to get rid of a particular emotion for good? to cleanse our system of that one emotion, we think is better off left unexperienced?
I have always feared 'love'..it has always made me feel vulnerable to the point of hurting deep within. It has made me feel pain, jealousy, anger, envy, possesiveness, fear, anxiety and a wide range of other interconnected emotions which i sometimes feel life was and perhaps is, better off without.
but the faster i have tried to run, the quicker it has caught up with me, challenging me at every step as if to mockingly say "lets see if you can escape". I have seen friends fall in love and then have their partners cheat on them. I have heard of people madly in love falling apart because they grew out of it. I have felt the ugly face of love scare and scar people close to me for life. and yet, even all this has not succeeded in keeping me away from that damned emotion...
Yet, everytime i run, i am slowed down by sepia tinted memories which somehow always manage to appear more alluring in hindsight. Everytime i shed these tears, its more out of respect for the past than from the pain of the present. Everytime i write a diary entry, i reminisce over the walk on the rainbow more than i recall the mess from the storm.
I guess its human nature to brood over the past, get nostalgic from time to time and hold misery close to the heart, perhaps more cos we have created it ourselves.
They tell me im being too hard on myself, trying too hard to come to terms with life. They tell me they are all sailing in the same boat, feeling and facing the same tempest.
seriously, sometimes i am left surprised by our affinity to attract pain. seriously, sometimes i think what we all need, is a little 'emotional' catharsis.......... IF ONLY....SIGH!!